D UP ...and finally with somewhere to go!
From combing through financial records to grilling relatives and searching their phones, meet the women who take NO chances with any man who wants a relationship
Because what is the point if there is no dinner a deux at a swanky restaurant looming in the diary? So, having not got dressed up for more than a year, would the pieces of the puzzle still fit?
I’m so out of practice at applying make-up, I’m sure to draw wiggly Barbara Cartland lines instead of eyebrows.
Dear God, will a size 10 dress still fit, and will I be able to stand in high heels?
For my first dinner date, with an ex-boyfriend (April 13; I have a wall chart), I’ve even hired a stylist. It may seem try-hard, but in the long, lost year I worry I’ve lost my taste, as well as my libido.
My stylist has chosen a blush pink bandage dress by Herve Leger (£650, from Net-a-Porter; it covers my knees, as sadly spas have not yet opened). There’s a reason it’s called a bandage dress: it constricts the internal organs, which have gone rogue after spending 40 hours sitting in front of Married At First Sight Australia.
My strappy gold Alexandre Birman heels (£12 a day, to hire from MyWardrobe HQ; like the man, they can go back) feel like getting into a petal-strewn bath with an old friend: I instantly feel more my old self instead of like a camel — pad, pad, padding around in a pair of Uggs.
But the best part of all is to carry a mini Birkin with a big price tag (POA from Bagista, a luxury handbag re-seller).
I instantly feel more feminine, when for a year all I’ve done is trudge, head down, with my keys, mobile phone and doggy poo bags shoved in the pocket of my battered Barbour. For far too long, I have resembled Jennifer Saunders in the famous farmhouse kitchen sketch, concerned only with whether the Aga, like the flame of my desire, has gone out.
Or Kathy Burke as Waynetta Slob, food down the front of my stained pink onesie. (There is no food. Dear God, I didn’t even dare take any water on board before squeezing into this!)
Today, I’ve unfurled like a spring tulip after a long hard winter.
All I need now is a hand sliding around what I’ve unearthed — Ralph Fiennes fashion in Netflix drama The Dig — to be a waist.
I want to gaze into a handsome man’s eyes and see only desire shining back. Because I sure as hell am going to need help peeling this lot off.
THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT IN ORANGE Kitty Dimbleby
IT WAS an impulse purchase in the first lockdown. Ridiculous really — I was going nowhere — but as I spent yet another evening scrolling online, it caught my eye and the heavy orange silk was impossible to ignore.
I bought it, optimistic that it would get an outing before the year was done. But since last April it has hung in my wardrobe, almost mocking me as I pulled on my lockdown uniform of gym leggings and hoodie, day after day after day.
No need for a full-length, fancy dress when your only plans are juggling home-schooling two young children and freelance work, with every evening spent on the sofa, binge-watching yet another box set with your spouse.
But now, after what feels like the longest year in history, hope is on the horizon; parties are tentatively, optimistically, being pencilled in the diary.
Well, one to be precise, and not until July — but I’m already very excited.
It’s a sit-down dinner in a lovely hotel for 14 of us, to celebrate the ‘90th’ of dear friends. She turned 40 last year and her husband turned 50. Despite them living only a few miles away, we’ve not managed a proper catch-up with them since PC (Pre-Covid) and I’ve missed them.
I was born in 1980, so last year was meant to be all about the 40ths. I was lucky, getting mine in under the wire in the first week of 2020, and hosting a large group of my female friends to mark my landmark birthday.
It’s the only time having been born in January has paid off. We piled into my house, shoulder to shoulder, dancing, hugging, and having fun until the early hours.
But that was when Corona was still just a drink (to most of us) and blowing out candles on a cake was socially acceptable. Just a few months later everything changed.
I’ve missed time with my friends so much. Don’t get me wrong. I adore my husband and two children and feel beyond lucky to have them, a house, garden and jobs we can do safely from home.
But my friends are a hugely important part of my life — a good chat with a girlfriend can cure anything, but Zoom is no substitute for time spent together in person.
The ‘90th birthdays’ party has been cancelled twice already, but this time I feel confident that it will go ahead (please Boris) and I’m counting down the weeks.
The birthday girl has declared the dress code black tie because ‘we all need an excuse to get glammed up’, and I couldn’t be happier. Finally, the silk dress is getting an outing.
So I say hurrah for the end of lockdown, for fun with friends and the chance to wear fabulous frocks. We’ve earned it.
SPARKLES FOR AN EIGHTIES SINGALONG Rosie Millard
IT HAS to be wild! It has to be breathtaking and it has to involve sore feet, sore throats and Eighties pop anthems. Reentry into the real world after lockdown needs to be the most groove-tastic night possible, but without mud and camping.
All of which means dancing in Leeds on July 23 to the wonderful 60-piece Orchestra of Opera North at its 80s Classical concert. This evening heralds a reboot of my teenage years. Deep joy!
It will feature singing legends such as Jimmy Somerville, Belinda Carlisle, Go West and Carol Decker. It’s the perfect way to have a happy time going wild, while supporting an institution for which I have huge support and respect.
I’m Deputy Chair of Opera North, and this company has been amazing during lockdown. The Orchestra and Chorus have performed individual recitals on Zoom and delivered a ‘Couch to Chorus’ virtual singing school.
But for a publicly funded institution devoted to live performance, the past year has been tough.
What nicer way for this much-loved Northern institution to signal its return than by delivering China In Your Hand and Don’t Leave Me This Way in its home city of Leeds — outdoors to hundreds of people jumping up and down with delight?
Lockdown could have been a lot worse for me, it’s true. As a freelancer, I work at home, and spending time with my partner and children has been lovely. My cooking skills have reached unprecedented heights, and I even quite like having longer hair.
But just thinking about that wonderful sound of a theatre curtain winching open, or being overwhelmed by live music, wandering around a gallery with my children, or going out to supper with friends makes me nostalgic for the life I used to lead and eager to resume it.
I’ll be in my sparkly frock, bought this year and so obviously never worn to an event.
My partner (who’s more of a Bob Dylan man, if truth be told) will be forced to get down to Toto’s Africa and sing along with me to Never Can Say Goodbye.
For a nation deprived of singing together in celebration for more than a year, this will be music made in heaven. And as we all know, Heaven Is A Place On Earth.
OFFICE manager Clare Clark considers herself an organised, efficient person. Holidays and important purchases are always researched, with little left to chance. So when she was presented with potentially the most important and risky investment of her life, naturally, she made sure she was as factually equipped as possible. From extensive trawls of online reviews to good old-fashioned word-ofmouth, she devoted three months to gathering as much information as she could find before committing. No stone was left unturned.
And her potential ‘purchase’? Micky, now her partner of eight years, and father of her threeyear-old daughter.
She doesn’t consider herself sinister, obsessive or an anti-romantic — just sensible in today’s modern world.
‘Mum had always taught me growing up to only do to others what you don’t mind being done to you. I genuinely wouldn’t have had a problem with it if I had found out Micky wanted to verify who I was, too.
‘To me, it says I like this person enough to want to devote my time and energy to checking them out properly, and being certain that we really do have a future together.
‘What could be more romantic and, yes, responsible than that?’
That is why Clare — and probably most women on the modern-day dating circuit — found Meghan Markle’s protestations last month, during her Oprah interview, that she didn’t research Prince Harry or his family at all after they met rather a stretch.
‘I watched the interview and found it hard to believe she hadn’t done her research about Harry and his family.’
After all, Prince Harry’s family background is hardly difficult to find out.
From investigating business records to interrogating the in-laws and demanding full disclosure on credit card statements in order to comb through finances, increasing numbers of women see nothing wrong in such behaviour. One survey suggested that a third of couples invade each others’ privacy less than six months into dating. Another found that while one in five men secretly check a partner’s phone, that figure increases to one in four women.
Clare, 36, says social media was her first, and most obvious, port of call when she met Micky, 34, in a bar.
‘I went through his friends list and discovered we had mutual acquaintances. I called them and asked how long they’d known him and ascertained what kind of guy he was. I scanned through his social media history, too. Inappropriate posts would have put me off because I am very judgmental and if I found anything offensive, it would have been a no-no.’
She then turned her attention to his work life to ensure he was an upstanding member of his professional community. Micky runs his own carpentry business and, once more, his online footprint was thoroughly filleted.
Clare went through the register of companies ‘to ascertain how long he’d been trading for and whether there were any issues with the business. Any late filing or companies dissolved would have been a red flag for me. I wouldn’t put myself through financial insecurity.
‘I also checked his website and professional Facebook page, going through customer comments and tracking them down to see if those people really existed. They did. Ditto reviews of his work on Trustpilot. Clearly he wasn’t a cowboy builder type — he was honest, good at what he did and people liked him.’
Clare admits that being ‘burned’ in a previous relationship had made her insecure.
‘It took me three months to complete all those checks and to finally feel comfortable and confident about committing fully to a relationship with him. It coincided with Christmas and it was only then that I felt I knew him well enough to tell him I loved him and welcome him into my family.’
CLARE adds: ‘He didn’t know what the reason was for us entering the next phase of our relationship. I didn’t tell him for a good three years that I’d submitted him to those checks either. But by then we’d had our daughter and we were parents!’
Ask Micky how it feels to have had his life — online and off — forensically inspected and he is surprisingly sanguine about it.
‘I don’t mind at all. I know Clare had her reasons and I completely understand,’ he says. ‘Thankfully, I passed all the “tests” because I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. We’re such a good couple and bring out the best in each other.
‘Clare is thorough with her work, thoughtful with her family and has great attention to detail so I should have known that was something she would do.’
But some women go that bit further in painstakingly investigating if their potential partner is just who he says he is. Indeed, some, such as 40-year-old computer programmer Bridget Zyka, could give the world’s leading psychological profilers a run for their money.
‘In 2015, I was out with my girlfriends in a bar when Aldo approached me,’ says Bridget. ‘How to describe Aldo? A tall, dark, handsome man from Albania.
‘I’m open-minded and have lived all over the world, but many of my friends were convinced I was being used for a visa.’
Bridget, who is currently on maternity leave, says that within a month of seeing Aldo, who works in the construction industry, she started to make contact with his relatives and meet them in person — with his blessing.
‘They told me about his past relationships and were happy to answer all of my queries. I asked why they thought he was interested in me. If he was genuine and was pursuing a relationship for the right reasons.
‘His relatives were really open and honest with me. They didn’t beat around the bush. Aldo had fallen in love with me — it was that simple.’
Bridget says these checks are something she had never done before, only ever ‘mini-stalking’ potential boyfriends on Facebook.
‘But this was a unique situation and I thought I should do a bit of research. I was egged on by my girlfriends who wanted to make sure Aldo was invested in us for the right reasons.
‘On reflection, there was probably a bit of envy involved because Aldo is handsome and younger than me.’
To continue her investigations, Bridget took Aldo’s phone, which she says took her an hour to go through. She then inspected his bank and credit card statements.
‘I went through his financial history to ensure there was no debt I was about to assume, and even looked through his credit card statements. It took me two to three months to satisfy myself that there wasn’t an ulterior motive.’
When Bridget’s investigation was complete she asked Aldo to move in with her. Six months after they first met, Aldo, now 36, proposed and they were married within the year. Their son, Mateo, is eight months old.
‘I know people raised their eyebrows at first. But I’m safe in the knowledge that we’re together for the right reasons. I satisfied myself that Aldo loves me for me and not for my passport.
‘Friends now ask me for advice in checking out their potential Mr Rights. If a guy objects then it’s probably because he has something to hide. That’s why I’m sure Meghan did look up Harry’s details online.
‘At some point everyone likes to satisfy themselves about their future partner’s financial potential, don’t they?’
Yet some relationship counsellors warn that a partnership founded on
mistrust is not a healthy place to start. Erika Ettin, relationship coach and founder of dating site A Little Nudge, says if you have trust problems with a partner because of your previous relationships then, rather than snooping, you’d be better off working through those issues with a therapist or counsellor.
‘If you’ve had prior experiences of putting trust in someone who has subsequently broken it, then you’re more inclined to project that distrust on to a new partner. No one should have to pay — in this case by you snooping — for your prior negative experiences.’
But with research showing that as many as 39 per cent of relationships now start online, and the rise of dating fraud, is it any wonder people are making checks on each other before committing?
Nail technician Laura Myers is one such woman who, eight years ago, uploaded her profile on a popular dating website and got chatting to Ags Gavrielides, 38, whose family come from Cyprus.
‘I’d left my previous relationship three years earlier and decided I was ready to meet someone else. When Ags got in touch with me I was flattered.
‘My profile had been online for seven months and I’d had lots of unsuitable types get in touch. But he looked way too young for me and when we finally exchanged numbers and talked, he sounded a lot younger than he said he was. There was no question of meeting him straight away. I only had a picture to go by, his text messages and, after a couple of weeks, phone conversations with him.
‘Yes, he was chatty and charming. But who was he — really? I made it my business to find out.’
Laura, 40, made Ags wait an astonishing six months before meeting him face-to-face. In the meantime, she set about making sure there were zero skeletons in Ags’s cupboard.
‘Dating sites are so hit and miss, women like me are vulnerable on them and I just wasn’t prepared to take any chances. It might sound like a long time, but I needed to have all the pieces of the puzzle together. We all know people use fake images online. So as we got chatting, I went on to his Facebook page and discovered slowly that he was who he said he was.
‘I’d been in a volatile relationship before and I didn’t want that again. So I monitored the account for a couple of months. I wanted to see how he behaved when he went out with his friends.
‘Was he a gent or did he transform into a drunken lout? Fortunately, according to the pictures posted by him and his friends, he always behaved impeccably.
‘I also checked his name on Google to see if he’d ever been involved in any kind of crime or anything controversial. I had my list of no nos and that was one of them.
‘At the time, it was just me and my sons, Lewis and Samuel — I had to be extremely careful about who I was inviting into their lives. After six months we did see one another and were a good match. But I still held back from fully committing to us as a couple.
‘One of the first things I did was ask to meet his mum and clarify with her what he’d told me about his life. I think I drove her mad with all of my questions! I also went through his phone and checked who was who in his contacts.
‘I want to stress that I’m not a jealous person. This wasn’t about analysing his previous relationships, this was me checking out he was genuine and not hiding anything. I wanted to make sure he was a nice, reliable person.
‘I didn’t want to invest my emotions in a relationship only to have nasty surprises further down the line.
TODAY, the couple have been together for seven years and live with Laura’s sons and their four-year-old daughter, Sophia Mae. Laura has zero regrets about her previous actions.
‘I genuinely believe that every woman with her head screwed on does this. The resources are there; just as employers check references, women should check potential life partners’ backgrounds.’
As for Ags, Laura says he is fine with her online interrogation.
‘He knows I’ve done this. Ags was sympathetic. I’d lost my father when we met and wanted to ensure I wasn’t in a vulnerable situation.
‘Today we both have access to each other’s phone and have a shared Facebook page. We have nothing to hide from one another and there are no secrets between us.’