Should I forgive the ‘movie star’ friend who ignored me?
To see a world in a grain of sand/And a heaven in a wild f lower/ Hold infinity in the palm of your hand/And eternity in an hour FROM AUGURIES OF INNOCENCE BY WILLIAM BLAKE (ENGLISH POET AND PAINTER 1757-1827)
DEAR BEL,
SOME years back, my partner and I moved abroad for a new life in a new country. Having another gay couple as neighbours helped us settle.
They live in the States but have a second home here. I’m in my late 40s, my partner early 50s. A little older, one of them is from this country, the other American.
Their long-term plan is to retire here. The American (call him Ray) is quite a star over there (we didn’t know, and have no interest in celebrity status), but what impressed me was his kindness and attitude toward others.
‘Give people a break if they’re mean to you,’ he’d always say and I liked that because I realised I could be too quick to get p **** d off with people when I should really go easier on them. To be honest, I think I put him on a bit of a pedestal.
Last time we saw Ray, we were all at the pool, happy to catch up as we hadn’t seen him or his partner since the previous summer. Suddenly, a guy (good looking, nice physique) appeared whom our friend already knows — and just butts into the conversation. We didn’t mind, but Ray literally turned his back on us. We didn’t want to just walk off so stood there like a couple of lemons assuming he’d introduce us. But he just started flirting with this guy then, realising we were still there, turned, said ‘Bye’ — then continued his conversation.
At the time I found it amusing. My partner didn’t. Now I agree. It was rude. Ray must feel he’s some big movie star everyone fawns over. We just saw him as a lovely neighbour we’d struck up a genuine friendship with. Right now they’re at their holiday home again and have asked to meet up.
My partner isn’t too keen, but I don’t want to ‘ghost’ them because they did help me in the early days. But Ray’s message implies they want to meet up because they have lots of questions about retiring here.
My partner says they don’t give a s*** about us, they just want to get what they can from us. I think he’s right, but what a dilemma… I would love their friendship if they wanted us for the people we are and not for useful information.
We’re genuinely busy. I work full time and my partner runs the business we set up together. Any spare time is so precious and not to be wasted on people who don’t care about us.
Ray’s initial message was so nice but our response explaining that we’d love to meet up but forgive us for the delay in reply because we’ve been so busy was just met with a short, curt ‘Great’. It leaves us feeling… well, reduced. What is your take on this? MICKAEL
MY ‘TAKE’ is pretty uncomplicated, and I think it may come as a relief to you although perhaps not to your partner.
I’ll prefix it by saying that, in general, my rule of thumb to get through this life contentedly is not to take offence, not to fall out with people, not to harbour resentment — but to munch on a chill pill, and remember every hour of every day that when this life ends, all our petty offences and inability to forgive others become worms to eat the soul.
Which is to say, just look, Mickael, because the wisest advice is right there in your letter! Your neighbour Ray used to say ‘Give people a break when they are mean to you’ — and you truly admired him because of that attitude and his kindness. So what exactly changed?
It was just one incident, wasn’t it? There you were, happily catching up at the pool, when along came that ‘hot guy’...and bingo, Ray started to flirt and forgot about you two.
Yes, it was rude — no question. But might you do the same? Have you ever been guilty of such a social lapse because something grabbed your attention? I know I have. Most of us say, or do, the wrong thing from time to time.
But now, because of that one discourtesy, weighing it as a major crime, your partner has turned himself into judge and jury, refused any mitigation of the good times and deeds you’ve all shared, and passed sentence.
He’s decided that Ray and his partner are appalling people who just want to use you, but don’t ‘care’ about you one bit. There is no evidence for this, but you have gone along with a sad (and surely wrongheaded) negation of the ‘genuine friendship’ that went before.
Petulantly telling Ray you’re too busy to see them right away will just rebound on you, so you must put it right as soon as possible.
How do you know he didn’t feel ‘reduced’ by your lack of welcoming bonhomie?
How do you know they don’t feel really anxious at the thought of retirement and permanent relocation and are desperate for your encouragement?
For that matter, how do you know ‘hot guy’ wasn’t somebody with an acute, private problem or hurt that required Ray’s full warmth for just those moments? You don’t. All you know is that because of that quick, casual discourtesy, you and your partner have taken umbrage and chosen to remain resentfully in its shadow. You can’t go on like this. It will spoil your future. Please, give yourselves a break and open some wine with those guys.