I’M TRAPPED WITH A SERIAL CHEATER
DEAR Bel,
I DON’T know where to begin, but here goes. In 2016, I split with my partner of 18 years. We have a 14year-old daughter together.
Two months later I met someone else, and I think now that it was too soon. I wasn’t in a good place.
After a few months I found out he was still in contact with his ex, as well as another woman that he’d been seeing behind his ex’s back.
When we started getting serious he always included his ex in our plans. If I ever said I thought it was wrong, he always found a way to make sure we didn’t upset her. He even made me hide our engagement from her.
Eventually she met someone, and moved to Australia, so that was that. Then one day I checked his phone. I just had a feeling that something was going on. I was correct. The text was from a woman at his work. I was devastated.
The whole situation got worse as she then accused him of sexual harassment and he lost his job.
You’ll think I’m stupid, but I decided to give him another chance. Everything since then (2019) has been hard, but we finally got to a really good place in our relationship.
Yet the other day I found another woman’s message on his phone. It wasn’t sexual, and when I asked him he just said he thought it was a scam.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t earn enough money to support myself. Please give me some advice.
CHRISTINA
THERE is so much I’d like to know, especially why you split from your partner after 18 years. Did you just get bored (see today’s main letter)? Or had you in fact already met your current partner?
The trouble is, you fell in love with a man who turned out to be fundamentally dishonest, and the bare facts of this story suggest he is unlikely to change.
But there is an odd lack of emotion in this email — no expressed hurt or love for him, merely anxiety about how you’d manage financially if you split.
Giving somebody another chance is not something I would ever call stupid, although I might judge it unwise. You and your partner have worked hard to re-establish your relationship since 2019 and that’s something I applaud, since I do believe in the power of change in our lives. It takes real work, but relationships can even be improved after upsets.
The trouble comes with regaining trust, and I suspect this is a step too far for most of us. It’s one thing to accept a partner with all flaws; quite another to wipe from memory the dishonesty that caused the trouble in the first place.
The latest ‘scam’ message might well be innocent, but on the other hand ...you and he probably need help to find your way through the lack of trust which now afflicts your relationship.
I suggest you tell him you need him to make a positive commitment which involves talking the whole thing through with a professional. If he wants to stay with you then it’s time he does what he’s asked.
If he refuses, you can draw your own conclusions.