The meaning of being a father has changed for the better... but dads still need help to be the best they can
BEING a father is a great privilege and a big responsibility, so let us celebrate Father’s Day by encouraging men and fathers to open up and recognise the benefits this has on their families and society at large.
The pandemic has really changed the role of the father like never before. While there is no desire to get back to the way it was, I would like to think that when things do get fully back to normal, fathers are not going to be afraid to speak up.
In my practice, I have noticed that almost everyone is more understanding and a lot more aware that someone is a dad. There isn’t that feeling of needing to shy away from your role.
When I became a father, I felt that my world changed more than a man without children could quite understand. Having children coloured every aspect of my life, enriching it in so many ways – complicating it: bringing joy, frustration, pride, fatigue, and often enough, plenty of confusion of what was right or wrong.
We all have a set of strengths and weaknesses and what is important is to play to our strengths. Neither the masculine or feminine approach is better, they are just different and, of course, complementary of each other.
Fathers tend to be comfortable with exploring risk; they tend to take more risks themselves and will help their children experiment. Fathers are often also good at enforcing boundaries and rules. They can be more spontaneous and playful about things, although there are many exceptions to these generalised examples.
SO, what can men do to overcome their concerns about being perceived as ‘less of a man’ and to share childcare – even perhaps be the ‘lead parent’? The solution has to come from within ourselves. We shouldn’t wait for something to become the societal norm. Following the pandemic, there’s an opportunity to re-evaluate and reallocate our roles and responsibilities within a two-parent family. We’re gaining more insight into how our partner works (at their job and in the home) – and can hopefully see ways to share and enhance what we do together.
I thought I would share my experience of working in private practice as a counsellor and psychotherapist, and emphasise how important the role of fatherhood is – and how, in order to fulfil this role to the best of our ability, it is crucial that we open up.
Since opening up doesn’t necessarily come naturally to us as men and as fathers, it’s important that we give ourselves plenty of time to get better at it. Many men often have to work at expressing feelings in many ways. We are wired a little differently to women, so it can take some real-life practice for us to feel comfortable expressing how we truly feel. And we must always remember – that’s OK.
Men and woman are, in many ways, very different when it comes to how we communicate. Much of our lives are about learning how to avoid feeling vulnerable at all costs, and messages such as men don’t cry were common as we grew up. This can work well in situations demanding that we stay calm, turn off our emotions, remain task-focused, and perform under pressure. Values such as discipline, toughness, assertiveness, logic, confidence and perseverance are often admired.
You can understand why we are reluctant to embrace the positive benefits of vulnerability as a necessary pathway to authenticity, clarity, and growth.
It brings the following quote to mind: ‘People are like mussels. You can put them in a vat of boiling water, and some of them will pop open immediately. Some of them will have to float around in the water for a bit, then they’ll slowly release. Others never open up at all, no matter what sort of hot water they’re in.’
(Rhian J. Martin, A Different Familiar) Strategies you can use to help the men in your life to open up:
1 Don’t force the issue of listening and opening up
GIVE them plenty of space, as men often find it difficult to open up and talk about a particular issue. This can be because they don’t have an answer for you right away. What they really need is some space to think about how they feel. For example, talking while sitting side by side versus facing one another can be beneficial, as it feels less intimidating. It often works better for men.
2 Make conversation feel easy and natural
IN MY experience, feeling judged is a fear men have; they want to achieve and don’t like to fail. So try to avoid any judgement when having a conversation. Each of us has different strengths and plays to their strengths. It seems to me that men really like feedback and acknowledgment that they have done something that pleased you. It can help to tell them how you admire something they did, and then ask about their thinking and experience around it.
3 Pick your place to talk
MEN are wired to focus on one thing at a time. This means that if the man in your life is focused on doing something else, asking him to change gears and get into a conversation all about his feelings might not be possible for him in that moment.
Under the right conditions, men will open up. One of the best places to bring up feelings and have a meaningful conversation is in the car, as lack of direct eye contact and distraction of driving can make what might normally feel like an awkward conversation a little more comfortable, because there isn’t so much attention or pressure on him.
4 Set an example by being as open as possible and revealing yourself
AS WE already know, strong and open communication is one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship. But even though it’s so crucial, that doesn’t mean it’s easy for everyone to freely share how they feel. It can often help to share our personality, our likes and dislikes.
It can also help to pay attention to who we are – such as an introvert, or someone creative, or spontaneous. Sharing how we experience life will help us to engage. Don’t just jump in and expect him to respond. Lots of men aren’t big on one-on-one conversations. Many men find it difficult to look each other in the eye. It’s just too intense for them. Men open up better on the golf course, when they fish, sit at the bar or coffee shop next to each other, which then gives them a safe space to talk about their feelings.
5 Men can often fear rejection
ONE thing men often share with me in my psychotherapy practice is their fear of being laughed at. They worry that if they do open up that will happen, leaving them rejected and humiliated. It’s important to realise that their ego and sense of identity can often be fragile and easily threatened.
They are also afraid that if they say something too personal, it may not fit into the image you have of them, or often the image they project. Men can be many different things at different points of their life; don’t be afraid to allow him to show you all of himself. We need to let go of our expectations and find out who people really are. It helps them feel greatly at ease and open up a lot more.
It’s important not to judge, and to allow a person to say what is on their mind; to simply be willing to hear what they have to say. Let’s all be patient with each other.
6 Help men dig deeper
IN MY 20 years working as a psychotherapist, I can say men want to talk – and under the right conditions they do talk, as they really need to unburden themselves. Always be genuine and let him know he is not alone in his experience and that you are on his team: it helps him to open up.
According to a survey commissioned by IACP Behaviours & Attitudes, men are still far less likely to seek help if dealing with a mental health difficulty. Increases in workloads and longer hours often mean that many men are spending less time focusing on their own mental health or their own families. The Irish Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy offers the following advice for men to be mindful of their mental health, for this Father’s Day and beyond:
O Speak to a friend, family member, or spouse when something is troubling you. O Contact an IACP-accredited counsellor or psychotherapist (see iacp.ie to find a therapist).
Finally, I will leave you with another quote: ‘Love is supposed to be based on trust, and trust on love, it’s something rare and beautiful when people can confide in each other without fearing what the other person will think.’ (E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly.)