HANDY HINTS CORNER

IN Andrew Marr’s A History of Modern Britain, he has some advice for would-be immigrants to Britain: either (1) be small in number like, for instance, the Parsis, of which communitry Freddie Mercury — born Farrokh Bulsara — was a membe; or (2) be white — like the Irish or the Ukrainians; or (3) if all else fails, feed the buggers (the Bangladeshis and Pakistanis who by and large run the ‘Indian’ restaurants).

For illegal immigrants, on the other hand, just one word of advice: get your facts right before you arrive at the border. A Nigerian man once presented himself at the immigration desk at Heathrow. His (forged) documentation showed that he had a place at a British University, namely Queen’s University, Belfast. However his residential address was given as Essex. When questioned by officers as to how he expected to do the approximate 14-hour daily commute, he asked for an interpreter. On further questioning as to how he expected to follow lectures in Belfast if he required an interpreter at Heathrow he admitted the whole thing was a scam, and was put on the next plane back to Lagos.

A pity. We could do with entrepreneurial skills like that.