How could he be so cruel after I found his lost son?

HAVING tried so hard, it’s understandable you feel hurt; most people in your situation would, too. You had a wonderful idea — to restore your ‘boyfriend’s’ lost son to him after three decades — and worked to bring it about. Now it’s happened, you feel rejected.

It’s easy to see why your friend advises you to call time on the relationship because, as you describe it, your chap has treated you with extreme discourtesy.

After eight years you undoubtedly deserve an explanation as well as appreciation and kindness.

So why is he behaving in this way? Why exclude you?

Perhaps his son had memories of his own mother and the acrimonious end to that marriage, and somehow your presence upset him.

Yes, he may be an adult, but in my experience some adults never grow up. Perhaps he said something to that effect on the telephone, making your chap think it best if he didn’t meet you again — at least for a while.

Or perhaps the little boy said something about a granny (meaning you, when you’re not his grandmother) and that was not acceptable to his father. There could be many hidden layers.

It’s obvious you and this chap are not committed to each other but have hitherto enjoyed a fairly casual, companionable relationship.

It could be he has a long-term distrust of commitment, dating back to the marriage which ended very badly, and is now afraid of the very ‘happy families’ scenario of which you feel envious.

Maybe he feels insecure in the way he is forging this new family relationship, still feels awkward in his son’s company, and doesn’t want you to witness it. It could even be that these recent events have awakened a deep-seated guilt at the way he ‘allowed’ his son to be ‘lost’. It’s all very well blaming a ‘manipulative ex’, but some fathers work ceaselessly for years to ensure they do not lose contact with their children.

Please don’t think I’m making excuses for him, because I do think he is being mean-spirited not to include you and (worse) not to give you the respect of a conversation about it. I’d rather like him to see this page and realise how much he has hurt you.

Should you break it off? Not yet, I’d say. Give him the chance to get used to the new situation.