We only realised were lesbians after decades of sleeping with men
WHEN Vivienne Joy told her husband she had romantic feelings for a woman, he assumed she was having a midlife crisis. At that point Vivienne was 40 and had been happily married for seven years, enjoying a regular sex life. They had a comfortable lifestyle thanks to their joint recruitment business, with lots of long-haul holidays, luxurious weekends away and a detached house.
Fast forward ten years, however, and Vivienne, now 50, is remarried — to a woman.
Proud to be a so-called late-blooming lesbian (women who turn to same-sex relationships later in life), she has never been happier.
‘Telling my ex-husband I thought I was a lesbian was the hardest conversation of my life,’ recalls Vivienne. ‘The last thing I wanted was to cause him pain, but the feelings I had were so strong I couldn’t ignore them.’
While her husband was understandably ‘shocked and hurt’, Vivienne says ‘he let me explore my sexuality by seeing other women while we continued living together’.
However, it soon became clear to both that this arrangement wouldn’t work long-term. ‘Dating lesbians made me so happy I was obviously gay,’ says Vivienne. ‘Looking back, I’d often see a woman and think: “Gosh, she’s gorgeous”, but never allow myself to wonder what it would be like to be with her. I don’t know why, I’ve never been homophobic, but that wasn’t a possibility that crossed my mind.’
Although there are no statistics that prove how many women find themselves drawn to other females in later life, anecdotally, it’s a growing phenomenon.
Take those in the public eye, where lateblooming lesbians include retail guru Mary Portas, writer Susie Orbach, Eat, Pray, Love author Elizabeth Gilbert, TV presenter Anna
‘I knew I never wanted to date a man again’
Richardson and actress Rebel Wilson, who came out as gay last year at the age of 42.
hether due to sexual fluidity, hormonal changes or latent homosexuality finally being given free rein, many who experience this change of heart seem unable to pinpoint why.
There are some who point to a link with the menopause. While there is no hard evidence, a third of lesbians in one scientific study were found to have elevated levels of androgens (male sex hormones) — the most common of which is testosterone.
And as oestrogen drops during the peri-menopause, androgens can become slightly more dominant.
Vivienne does wonder if her biological clock grinding to a halt, taking with it her hopes of motherhood (for years, she and her husband had tried and failed to conceive), led subconscious desires to surface.
‘I often ask myself how I didn’t realise I was a lesbian, but I guess you don’t know until you try,’ says business coach Vivienne.
‘It could be because it’s more normalised or accepted — the younger generation is freer and maybe that’s liberated older people, like me, too.
‘We grew up without the internet, learning from magazines like Just 17 and Jackie and they didn’t talk about lesbians. They talked about ways to get a boyfriend.’
Vivienne dated several men in her youth and was even engaged twice before meeting her husband aged 30. Her volte-face started in October 2012 when she sent a direct message, expressing concern, to a female acquaintance who had posted a cryptic message online. Five hours later, they were still chatting online.
They spent hours every day for weeks communicating about the minutiae of their lives, in a way, says Vivienne, that would never happen at the start of a heterosexual relationship. Vivienne knew the other woman was bisexual and realised something more than friendship was developing: ‘You don’t get butterflies when a new message pops up from a friend.’
Acknowledging this change in dynamic, they arranged to meet for lunch. Vivienne says: ‘Although I didn’t clock that I was a lesbian at this point, I knew I’d not experienced anything like this level of anticipation during my years dating men.
‘It was confusing feeling excited by the prospect of seeing another woman. I was so turned on when I saw her, I could have ripped her clothes off from across the table.’
Vivienne restrained herself and made do with a chaste kiss at the end of the date, keen not to cheat until she had spoken to her husband. She introduced ‘the hardest conversation of my life’ while they were sorting laundry later.
‘I explained I had feelings for this woman,’ says Vivienne. ‘He didn’t raise his voice or cry, say he felt betrayed or ask if I had ever really loved him — we had been together for 11 years and he knew I very much did. Instead he was silent for a little while and then asked: “What do you want to do?”
‘I told him I needed to explore the relationship because the feelings were so strong. I think he thought I was having a midlife crisis.’
Vivienne is an only child, who’d lost both her parents, but other relationships were significantly altered by her change in situation.
‘People were devastated,’ she says. ‘I lost a lot of my husband’s family and many among our group of friends because they think I had an affair, even though it wasn’t quite like that. They blamed me for his heartbreak and I blamed myself, of course.
‘It also created a weird dynamic in some of my friendships. One asked if I fancied her and when I insisted I didn’t, wanted to know why not.
‘My husband’s friends said they aspired to have a relationship like ours — we were so close — and I think a lot of people felt let down, which compounded my guilt.’
Although daunted by the prospect of having sex with a woman, Vivienne was in no doubt she was a lesbian once the relationship had been consummated. She didn’t discuss it with her husband, either before or afterwards, wanting to spare him the details.
‘I’d always enjoyed sex in my marriage, but with a woman it felt like a more unified experience,’ she says. ‘It felt very right.’
But rather than immediately splitting up, she and her husband initially agreed that Vivienne could explore her newfound sexuality.
While her relationship with the Facebook friend fizzled out after a few months, she went on to have liaisons with other females she met online.
Yet after a further three months, her husband ended the marriage: ‘I completely understood. It was really sad going our separate ways, but it was also the right decision for both of us.’
Vivienne threw herself into dating women with teenage gusto. While she met up with one man, when the thought of kissing him turned her stomach, she became more resolute about her lesbian status.
She first encountered Emma, now 41, who ran a hair salon on a lesbian dating app in early 2020. Despite having only ‘met’ via video calls, they moved in together when lockdown was announced.
As extreme as that sounds, Vivienne says: ‘Women tend to move in together very quickly because they become best friends, lovers, confidantes and get to know each other really intimately emotionally.’
The gamble paid off and they married in November 2021, Vivienne wearing a bridal gown and Emma a suit. Vivienne says the differences between a heterosexual marriage and a lesbian one are significant.
‘Women know other women and so a wife is much better than a husband at reading what we’re feeling and thinking,’ she says. ‘I’m perimenopausal and get such a lot of compassion and understanding from Emma when I’m struggling with mood swings or hot flushes. She cooks for me, gives me the right amount of space and affection and looks after me in a way I don’t think a man ever would.’
Compared with friends in heterosexual relationships, there is also more understanding when one of them is not in the mood for sex.
‘There’s no sense of obligation with a woman because we’re not driven in the same way as men to have sex. If there’s no sex for two weeks, it’s not a big deal. In fact, it’s pretty common because we both menstruate and have real insight into how our partner might feel tense or bloated at different points in our cycles.’
Mother-of-three Jennifer Gilmour, 34, however, cannot imagine passion ever dwindling in her new same-sex relationship. Her husband left the family home a year ago after Jennifer’s sexual revelations. While heterosexual sex had sometimes been ‘a bit of a chore’, she has found sex with another woman to be different from sleeping with men.
‘Women prioritise one another’s needs and there’s more affection, as well as checking in about what feels good,’ she says. ‘I wasn’t good at communicating my needs to men.’
It was Jennifer’s husband of seven years who first questioned her sexuality after noticing how enamoured she seemed with female leads in dramas they watched together during lockdown.
‘When Vicky McClure or Jodie Comer were on the screen, I’d say “Doesn’t she look amazing?” and he’d tease me saying “I think you’re gay!” Then one evening he said, “Seriously, I think you might be a lesbian” and I laughed it off but he said: “No, I’m not joking.” ’
Jennifer’s reaction was to say she could compliment another woman without being gay, but his remark got her thinking. ‘I’d always looked up to women teachers at school and female lecturers at university,’ she says. ‘I realised I was really drawn to women but, having been raised in a very Christian household, it never even crossed my mind to have a relationship with one.’
Intrigued to explore without cheating, Jennifer, an author, suggested they could ‘invite a woman into their relationship’. Her ex said it was something she should explore alone. He even supported her when, two weeks later, in October 2021, she joined Tinder looking to find someone.
On the evening of her first date with a woman, he had second thoughts, and asked her not to go. Jennifer explained that her date had driven from afar and paid for a hotel. In any case it might not become intimate.
However, things did progress and as soon as she’d slept with a woman, Jennifer realised she wasn’t straight.
She says she ‘felt comfortable in my own skin in the bedroom for the first time in my life’. She was, however, still unsure if that meant she was a lesbian or bisexual.
Although initially keen to make their marriage work — he even collected her from the hotel the morning after — her husband moved out in February last year. They remain friends and her three children, aged 13, 11 and seven, stay with him for part of every week.
Jennifer says the fact the break-up and the introduction of her new female partner happened in stages has allowed her children to ‘take it all in their stride’.
That’s not to say it’s been plain sailing. Jennifer is acutely aware her eldest has experienced bullying at school: ‘Other children have made homophobic comments to her about me.’
Jennifer adds: ‘I’ve had the odd homophobic comment, too. Mostly from men asking if they can join in or saying I’m only with a woman because I haven’t met the right man yet. It makes me realise that seeing two women together is still outside the norm for many people.’
Jennifer has never been happier than with new girlfriend Sam, 31. They met on Tinder and love nothing more than cuddling up on the sofa and falling asleep in one another’s arms, something she has never done with a man.
Meanwhile, Amanda Thompson, 52, an artist, was almost 50 when she realised she was gay.
After decades of only ever being intimate with men while inebriated, she quit drinking and finally faced up to some home truths about her sexuality.
‘Getting sober enabled me to be honest with myself,’ says Amanda, who has a 30-year-old son (she separated from his dad when he was a toddler) and a seven-year-old grandson.
‘I was on a dating site and a man wanted to send me a picture of his genitals and I had a very visceral reaction to his request, responding with a firm “No!” I knew I never wanted to see one — or indeed date a man — again.’
Her son — who’s been ‘very supportive’ — was the first person she came out to. Gay friends said they were not surprised by her revelation.
‘It’s sad I didn’t have the confidence to come out earlier,’ she says.
‘I’m as confused as anyone as to why it took me so long to realise I’m a lesbian. I’m ready to meet a lovely woman and I’m sure I will.’
‘Women prioritise one another and there is more affection’