My mum never liked me and favours my sister

Dear Coleen

I’m sad to say that my mum is not a nice person. I feel very guilty about saying that, but it’s true. She’s now in a care home after my father passed away and I can’t bear to visit her because, when I do, I get nothing but criticism and she tells me I’ve never been as good to her as my younger sister.

Growing up, she made it very clear she didn’t like me and always favoured my sister. I’m in my forties with two children and a busy job – why should I make the time to see someone who is so unpleasant and always has been?

I couldn’t wait to leave home to get away from her, even though I missed my dad terribly, who was wonderful. I have no idea how he put up with her, but he did. He was very gentle and kind – the opposite of her.

I don’t think she’ll change her attitude at this point in her life and I can’t make her like me. There’s just nothing there between us. What’s your advice?

Coleen says

First of all, don’t torture yourself about what other people may or may not think. In life, people judge you constantly and if you thought about it too much you’d never get out of bed in the morning. The fact is, they don’t know what it’s like to be you or to live with your mum, and they don’t have to visit her and deal with the hurt, rejection and anger afterwards.

Yes, it’s sad because she’s missed out on having a wonderful relationship with her daughter and you’ve missed out on that mother/daughter bond.

But, from what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound as if you can or want to rescue it. It seems as if you’d be visiting out of a sense of duty or guilt, not because you want to see her.

What you need to think about is this – if your mum passes away how will you feel? Will you wish you’d visited before she died or wished you’d asked her questions or tried to repair your relationship?

If you don’t think you’d struggle with those things because there’s no love there, then don’t torture yourself with it any more. I imagine she’s well looked after by your sister and other people.

I don’t know if you’ve considered counselling, but it might help you to make peace with your past and help you to move on from it.