Guy I Fancy Is refusing to come out

Dear Coleen

I’m a gay man in my 30s and I’d love to go out with a guy who I’ve become close to. But it’s not that simple as he’s not out and he’s adamant he doesn’t want family and friends to know he’s gay.

He’s told me he’d love to have a proper relationship with me, but I’m out and I’m proud, so I don’t know how it would work.

I don’t want to hide who I am and live a lie – I’ve never done it before and don’t want to start at this point in my life.

Any ideas about what I can do? I like him a lot but, for me, keeping our relationship a secret would be a deal breaker.

Coleen says

I’m sure you know yourself coming out can be a really difficult thing to do and he needs to feel ready to do it. He’s obviously not as confident in himself and in his sexuality as you are, and that might come down to his family background and the attitudes of those close to him. You have to accept it’s his choice.

You could start dating and see how it goes, and there’s always a chance that he’ll find the confidence to come out. However, there’s a good risk he might not and only you can decide if it’s worth taking that gamble.

I have lots of gay friends, some of whom have been in serious longterm relationships, but no one knows. It might be that this kind of arrangement suits him, but unless it suits you too, it’ll be difficult in the long term.