My partner won’t forgive daughter after their row
Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years, since my wife and I divorced. She’s always been a wonderfully supportive partner and we’re happy apart from in one area – she and my grown-up daughter don’t get on and it’s ruining things.
They had a huge argument a couple of years ago that had been brewing for a while and, since then, they barely talk to each other. She won’t let my daughter and my grandchildren visit unless it’s booked weeks in advance and she decides the date. There is no give and take.
My daughter has a very difficult relationship with her long-term boyfriend – it’s a very on-off affair and she’s relied on me a lot as a result, both financially and emotionally. I think my partner resents this in our lives.
My daughter has warmed to the idea of putting their differences aside and trying to make a fresh start, but my partner is adamant she wants nothing to do with her.
This is killing me inside – I just want to see my daughter and grandchildren without feeling guilty about it.
I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Have you any ideas how I can find a solution to all this?
Coleen says
This is very upsetting for you.
Here’s the thing, perhaps your partner has a good reason to feel hurt or angry over something your daughter has done or said, but she has to acknowledge you can’t cut her off. Of course you want to see her and your grandchildren and if she can’t accept that then, yes, she’s being unreasonable.
If she really isn’t willing to meet her halfway, then make arrangements for her to be away when your daughter comes over and, in the meantime, you can visit her and your grandkids as you like.
I know your relationship is good in all other respects, but this is a major stumbling block. Maybe you need to stop being the mediator here, trying to keep everyone else happy, and do what’s right for you.
Explain to your partner that you’re not prepared for things to carry on the way they are and you won’t cut your family out of your life, so the ball’s in her court.
If she loves you and wants your relationship to carry on, then she must accept your daughter and grandkids are always going to be in your life, and make the effort to compromise.
Good luck.
I just want to see my daughter and grandkids