I want out of relationship that started when I was younger

Dear Coleen

I’m a man aged 25 and have been with my girlfriend for six years and we have a four-year-old daughter together. The pregnancy wasn’t planned, but we both wanted to keep the baby and we absolutely adore her.

The last couple of years have been hard, though. We’ve both found being parents tough, although our daughter would never know that. And we’ve started to lead quite separate lives – she goes out with her mates and I go out with mine. We never do things together any more and we hardly ever have sex. When we do, it’s usually when we’ve both had a bit to drink.

I’ve begun to realise I’m not in love with my girlfriend any more, even though I love her as a friend and respect her as the mother of my daughter. In fact, if it weren’t for our daughter, I would have left years ago.

How can I talk to her about this? Every time I go to say something, I bottle out. I keep imagining what it would be like to be in a happy relationship and, I have to admit, I do look at other girls which makes me feel guilty.

I just think we got together too young. Do you have any advice? This is really getting to me.

Coleen says

You didn’t really have much time to be a couple and get to know each other before becoming parents and then you had to hit the ground running, caring for a baby. It’s a lot of responsibility when you’re only 21.

There’s no easy way to have the conversation I’m afraid – you’ve just got to bite the bullet and admit how you feel. And you might find your girlfriend feels exactly the same, but hasn’t said anything for the same reasons. You both love your daughter and want to keep things stable for her.

However, even if the relationship doesn’t last, you can still be good parents and you can work together to ensure your daughter is affected as little as possible. If she knows you both love her and you continue to be in her life, you can make it work.

Before throwing in the towel, I wonder if it’s worth considering some relationship counselling and also trying to rediscover what it’s like to be a couple and not just parents.

Could your families help with your daughter, so you and your girlfriend can have some proper time together?

At least then you can walk away knowing you tried your best to make it work.

I do understand that feeling of guilt, though – I was consumed by it when my first marriage was breaking up and I felt a huge responsibility to my sons, who were both young at the time.

We got through it, though, and my ex and I worked really hard to stay friends for their sake.

Also, I think it’s important to reach out to family and close friends, and share how you feel with them. I’m sure they’ll be supportive and will help you while you’re going through this challenging time.

Whatever happens, I think you should both be proud of how you’ve coped as parents and for giving your daughter so much love. Good luck.

“We have a daughter we adore but live separate lives