It’s sneezy to maintain personal hygiene.. so what’s wrong with us?
IS there any good news out there at all, lads? Any stories that don’t sound like they are from the same team that brought us the Book of the Apocalypse?
News that the first cases of the coronavirus had turned up in Dublin has had us scrambling for the last boxes of Aldi hand-sanitiser and trying to convince the cat to wear a facemask.
It may not be the time to panic – but you can certainly see your fellow citizens getting a bit jumpy – especially when anybody sneezes on public transport.
I was in the pub over the weekend and a guy was coughing away at the bar – you could see the circle around him getting wider as chairs and their occupants levitated away.
I swear the barman had murder in his eyes and violence in his heart as Coughy Mcsneezyface asked if he could borrow his paper to have a look at the racing pages.
The guy was about two sneezes away from being prodded out the door at the end of a barstool.
And you have to wonder what he was thinking; “Well, I’ve got an awful auld dose, sure I’ll head down to the pub, bound to be a few welcoming faces down there.”
Meanwhile, our hands are almost scrubbed raw with soap, handsanitiser, Jeyes Fluid and (just to be sure) a big dollop of Toilet Duck.
And there’s a funny one – according to a recent EU survey, just under 25% of Irish people admitted to not always washing their hands after using the toilet.
Lads, seriously. What is wrong with (one-infour of) ye?
Unless you were dragged up in an actual cowshed or abandoned as an infant and raised by badgers, how in the name of God and his holy disciples is anybody still going to the jacks and walking out straight past the soap without a care in the world?
Yes, personal hygiene may be a bit of a new concept for a lot of Irish men in particular.
And it’s not an age thing – there’s a lot of younger lads who will be shocked to know that a quick blast of Lynx Collision Leather & Cookies deodorant does not actually protect you from viral infection.
But at the very least, we’re going to have to raise our game on the hand-washing front because this is serious stuff and it looks like it could get a lot worse before it gets any better.
Still, at least there are some silver linings amongst the dark, virus-heavy clouds.
The prospect of Liverpool fans losing their minds if a virus denies them their first league title since Vanilla Ice was Top Of The Pops is bloody hilarious, when you think about it.
But still – wash your hands – and if you’re feeling a little peaky – maybe give the pub a miss for a few nights!
How is anyone going to the jacks & walking past soap?