My bloke’s demanding exes are making me feel insecure

Dear Coleen

I have been with my partner for a few years now, but his relationships with his ex-partners still manage to annoy me.

It seems the longer he’s apart from them, the less he remembers about the way they both treated him. He has children and grandchildren with his first partner, but none with his second, although her children and grandchildren treat him as their father and grandfather.

He calls his first partner to ask her questions a lot – mostly about the kids and old friends. However, his second partner calls him, supposedly about her children and grandchildren, and wants to go on days out with him and keep painting a united front for the kids.

I’m getting so fed up, as I see absolutely no reason for contact at all with his second partner. I agree he should have contact with her children, but definitely not her.

Do you think I’m being unreasonable and insecure? He has given me no reason to doubt him and he’s told me he has no feelings for either women any more. I’d welcome your opinion.

Coleen says

You’re with a man who has two families, so he comes as a package deal, but I’m sure you understood that when you got together. Of course, in reality, dealing with former partners and becoming involved in the lives of his children and also his grandchildren is not going to be straightforward.

There will be challenges and bumps in the road, but the important thing is that you’re on the same page and that you both present a united front.

I don’t think he needs to see his second ex-partner to present a united front for her children, who are obviously all adults now.

But, as you say, of course he should see her children and grandchildren because he’s been their father and grandfather and those relationships will be important for all concerned.

There might be times when he needs to speak to this ex when it concerns one of the kids, and there might be times when he’ll have to see her – at family events such as weddings or birthdays, for example. But I don’t think days out are necessary.

You’re clearly feeling insecure, so that’s what you have to talk to your partner about and he should take your feelings into account. It might just be a case of him trying to keep everyone happy and struggling to do so.

Why not try to come up with a plan you’re both happy with when it comes to dealing with his exes? And it might also help if you got to know his children and grandchildren better, and became more involved rather than stepping back or hiding away.

Show his exes you’re important in his life and you’re not going anywhere.

“She wants to put on a united front for the kids