Mother-in-law has messed up our baby’s sleep routine

Dear Coleen

I had a baby six months ago and have recently returned to work, so my mother-in-law has come to live with us for six months to look after our son until he’s a year old, when we’ll put him in nursery.

My mother-in-law is a widow with a lot of spare time on her hands, and she’s happy to be here – she adores our son and wants to be useful.

I really appreciate her help, but things haven’t been going well. She doesn’t do things the way I’ve asked her to do them, so I get annoyed, and it’s causing a bad atmosphere, as well as arguments between me and my husband.

He says she’s doing us a massive favour, so I have to go along with her way of doing things. He keeps saying he “turned out alright” (debatable!) and makes a joke of it instead of taking me seriously.

Our son’s routines have gone out the window, which means he’s grouchy or wide awake at night, so I get no sleep.

What can I do before it ends up in a huge argument and we’re left with no childcare?

Coleen says

Firstly, stop getting angry. I had a similar situation when my first son was born and I had to rely on my mum-inlaw a lot, as I was still touring and sometimes away for a couple of weeks at a time. She made it clear that when my son was with her, he’d adapt to her routine!

In the end, I decided she was helping me out, saving me money, and keeping my son safe, so I had to go along with it. I remember she gave him a horrible haircut once, after I’d asked her not to, but then I thought well, his hair will grow and it’s not the end of the world.

However, I think routine is important, so explain to your mother-in-law that you appreciate everything she’s doing for your son, but his sleep (and yours) is disrupted, and ask if she can think of a way to help you with that.

Your approach should be to ask how we can work on this together, and can you give me advice on the best way to help him to sleep at night, rather than blaming her for doing the wrong things during the day.

Keep in mind she loves your grandson and can’t have done that badly with her own son because you married him! I’d admire what you’re doing – it’s tough to go back to work when you have a young baby – but don’t make an enemy out of someone who’s doing all they can to help you.

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She doesn’t do things the way I asked – it’s annoying