How can spot someone who hits the NARC

Expert’s tips for breaking free of toxic relationships

ething was off. I thought – and was

– that I was the problem. I was too anoid, too possessive, too insecure

too needy.” ou’ll likely experience increased critm, blame shifting, disrespecting of

ndaries, ghosting, silent treatment, eliability, gaslighting, and a reduction

hysical and emotional intimacy.

THE DISCARD PHASE

also refer to this stage as Public my No1 Phase. The mask completely

to reveal a monster and the “love of your life” has become unrecognisable. Treatment may include expressions of contempt, zero flexibility, cheating, playing the victim, smear campaigns, psychological, emotional or even physical abuse.

The relationship often ends suddenly, with little or no explanation, and you will most likely be replaced quickly by the next conquest.

THE IMPACT

Having had the misfortune to be in a relationship with a narcissistic can render you a shadow of your former self. The level of betrayal experienced can be incomprehensible. Those I have helped presented with anxiety, addictions, confusion, depression, insomnia, selfdoubt, trauma, and paranoia.

THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

In an ideal world you could completely remove the narcissist from your life. In reality, they may be your parent, your boss or you may share children together.

The following are some tips to help you to stay safe and begin your healing.

RECORD INCIDENCES

Keep a record of encounters. I guarantee if you try to highlight a pattern of behaviour they will either deny, lie, blame shift or minimise it – textbook gaslighting.

ASSERT YOURSELF

Communicate your needs in a calm, clear and respectful way. If you struggle with this, do an Assertiveness Course. If behaviour doesn’t change, they aren’t listening, don’t care or it’s deliberate.

BE AWARE OF BOUNDARIES

Give yourself permission to have separate emotions and thoughts. The narc may comment that you are too sensitive or dramatic. Learn to leave it with them. Don’t internalise hurtful comments.

GET SUPPORT AND DO YOUR

OWN RESEARCH

Find a therapist with specific training in narcissistic abuse, learn as much as you can, to stay protected. Lastly be kind, compassionate and patient with yourself.

The treatment you have endured is not your fault. It is as the result of someone who is very damaged themselves. Learn to leave it with them and focus on setting yourself free. ■■Michaela Brady is an Irish psychotherapist, training consultant and international speaker with 20 years’ experience improving mental health, wellbeing, engagement and performance. She is the founding director of Aspire Counselling. See aspirecounselling.com.