OUR TEENAGE SON SPENDS SO MUCH TIME ALONE

DEAR JENNIFER: Our son is 14 and the only thing that seems to interest him is his computer. It seems to be his most precious possession.

He spends most of his time in his room, and I know he’s doing homework or otherwise studying but he’s also downloading this and that and chatting.

He detests it when we go in to his room to check up on him and makes it abundantly clear we’re not welcome.

So apart from changing his sheets and picking up dead socks for the wash, I rarely go in there at all.

What worries me is the amount of time he’s spending on his own.

Obviously, we do talk at times — he does still join us for meals together and when we give him lifts to and from school we talk a bit, but not as much as I’d like.very occasionally we all go out together, but otherwise he spends most of his time on his own.

And he’s made it very clear that he’d rather be on his own in his room than be with us — but is that right for a 14-year-old?

Sometimes I wish we’d had a second child!

JENNIFER SAYS: Unfortunately, I believe you’re right in that it’s not healthy for a 14-year-old (or anyone else for that matter) to be spending all their time alone on a computer.

It is, however, a problem that’s got a lot worse thanks to the pandemic, children being home-schooled and unable to socialise in person. I think you’re right to identify this as a problem, but it’s become such a way of life for so many people that I’m not entirely sure what we can do about it.

I suspect there’s quite a lot of social interaction going on with his friends online, so he’s not entirely alone.

Yet people are spending so much time on their computers that they can neglect their health, their families, and their real friends.

It’s good that he’s not neglecting his studies and I’d encourage you to try and ensure he is interacting with his school friends. None the less, he needs to understand that his computer isn’t a substitute for talking to people face-to-face.

While research has indicated that spending excessive time with a computer isn’t as much of a problem as one might expect for a normally confident, friendly and outgoing person.

For those that would normally find it difficult, I think it most probably does make things harder for them in the long term, however. I may be old-fashioned, but the research findings don’t really reassure me and I would be worried if a child of mine was spending his life online.

I would encourage them to limit their computer activity, and the fact that your son claims he prefers being on his own indicates that perhaps he’s not as confident and outgoing as you might wish. Have you spoken to his school about your concerns — I’m guessing you’re not the only parent worried about this kind of behaviour?

You don’t mention whether your son takes part in any physical or sporting activity. It doesn’t really matter what it is, but perhaps finding something he could enjoy with other young people could help to break the pattern he has got into.

School sports may not be his thing but what about introducing him to new activities, anything that perhaps he hasn’t tried before.

It might help him to make new friends but even if he doesn’t, he may still benefit. Alternatively a drama group, a dance group, a choir or something similar if sport really isn’t his thing.

Prising him out of his room may not be easy, and it’s a good idea to go gently and be patient, but I think it is well worth a try.

SHOULD I STOP SPENDING TIME ALONE WITH MY MALE COLLEAGUE? DEAR JENNIFER: I’ve been married for 15 years and love my husband dearly. We have a wonderful relationship and a fantastic son — so why am I worrying about a completely platonic relationship I’ve got with a chap I work with?

What started as having an occasional lunch break together has moved to an occasional drink after work.

It’s honestly never been more than that, but he’s such fun to be with and for reasons I can’t understand, I’ve never told my husband.

The other evening, though, my colleague told me he was having problems with his wife, and this made me wonder if perhaps he wanted more from me.

I enjoy his company, but I’m wondering if I should stop seeing him as I certainly don’t want to risk my marriage.

JENNIFER SAYS: I think you absolutely do need to put a stop to this — whether or not your colleague is looking for more from you. It might have all started off perfectly innocently, but it has become a lie between you and your husband, which is why it needs to come to an end.

Could you, comfortably, tell your husband about him — how would he react, do you think?

If there’s any chance he would feel hurt and upset then you know you’re doing something wrong. You are most certainly uncomfortable now — otherwise you wouldn’t have written to me.

It’s not because this man may want more from you — that is something you can resist. It’s because you’ve become caught in a trap and your friendship with this man has grown so that now it feels hard to get yourself out of the situation.