Dear Jennifer

WILL MY HUSBAND COME BACK TO ME NOW HE’S FACING HARD TIMES?

DEAR JENNIFER: My husband left me five years ago to move in with another woman. It was a total shock, because we had been together for 16 years and I thought he loved me. We had even been talking about starting a business together.

I have not started any new relationships, nor have I sought to get a divorce. It has not been an easy few years, but I have stayed healthy and positive. We stayed in touch for the first few months but haven’t exchanged any messages since then.

However, I found out through social media recently that life has not treated him so well. It seems he’s had a few mental health and depression issues, which has meant he’s struggled to hold onto his job.

I’ve also heard that his new relationship may not be as solid as it once was.

On top of this, his younger brother died recently and it has affected him badly. All of which gives me hope that he will see sense and come back to me.

My cousin thinks I am wasting my time and should look elsewhere for love. However, I have always believed that marriage is a lifelong commitment and, as I still love him, I have been (and still am) happy to wait for him.

Do you think couples can get back together after a long separation like this?

JENNIFER SAYS: It’s possible, but it doesn’t happen very often. My worry with your particular situation is that you’ve invested five years of your life in the expectation that your marriage can be revived.

This, all on the back of not a single indication from your estranged husband that this is what he wants. In fact, you’ve had no contact with him for over four years.

Now, to make matters worse, you’ve had your hopes raised higher still by hearsay on social media that could very easily be inaccurate. I don’t want to cause you further distress, but can

Do you have a life dilemma? Our agony aunt Jennifer is happy to help. Write to her at c/o Irish Daily Star, Independent House, 27-30 Talbot Street, Dublin 1, or email dearjennifer@thestar.ie. Unfortunately, she cannot enter into any personal correspondence. you not see how illogical this is? I think your cousin is right to encourage you to look elsewhere.

If you feel you can’t do this without at least an attempt to rescue your marriage, I suggest you find a way to message your husband, assuming that it’s even possible.

Then, ask a straightforward question along the lines of: ‘Do you think we can get back together?’ His response will, most likely, not be what you want, which might explain why you haven’t forced the issue in the past.

It’s also likely to upset you, however it’s the only way that you will really know his intentions, and even in the unlikely event that he says it’s possible, can you really believe him?

He’s shown he’s capable of leaving once, what’s to stop him doing it again?

If you have no way to contact him, please take this as a sign that the time has come to move on and formally seek a divorce. These days you don’t have to involve a lawyer unless you need to, perhaps for financial reasons, but as you’ve been living separate lives for so long, I imagine this doesn’t apply.

I really would encourage you to take your cousin’s advice and make a fresh start.

OUR ELDEST SON HAS MOVED HOME AND IT’S

GETTING ME DOWN DEAR JENNIFER: I got married when I was only 18. At the time, I was pregnant, and my parents were not keen on the father and said he’d probably leave me at the first hurdle.

I am happy to say they were wrong and we’ve been together for 28 years. We’ve had three children, all of whom had left home, and we were enjoying our time alone together — that is until my eldest son moved back after a falling out with his girlfriend.

It was only supposed to be short-term until he found somewhere else, but he’s now been with us for almost nine months. I have discussed it with my husband and, while he accepts that it’s made life more difficult, he likes having his son at home again. So, if I keep pushing, not only will my son resent it but I might just upset my husband too.

Now what do I do?

JENNIFER SAYS: If you have been doing everything for your son, it might explain some of his reluctance to move out. Also, it might throw some light on why his relationship failed, especially if he was as work-shy around the house with his girlfriend as he is with you.

Speak with them both and make it clear that you are no longer prepared to do everything.

If your son is to stay, then it must be on the understanding that he and his father share more of the household chores.

However, if it’s the loss of time with your husband that’s the issue, then it becomes more problematic.

Less time spent on chores will certainly leave you free to enjoy more time with your husband. However, it probably won’t give you back the freedom and privacy you once had to do whatever you wanted at home.