WHY DOESN’T MY MOTHER LIKE MY NEW PARTNER?

DEAR JENNIFER: I met and moved in with a great man about seven months ago. I love him to bits and we have a great relationship that seems to work, so much so that we are planning to get engaged soon.

However, for some reason my mother has taken against him.

She’s only met him a few times but each time she does, she is rude and refuses to talk with him.

I asked her shortly after they met for the first time what the problem is. She replied that it’s his attitude and the fact that he clearly doesn’t respect me.

When I tried to explain that nothing could be further from the truth, she cut me short and walked away.

I still go to see her regularly and have tried a few times since then to get her to talk about what is bothering her, but she just won’t listen.

She either changes the subject or repeats that he doesn’t respect me. I don’t know where she’s got this from because, the fact is, he is kind, generous and respectful, so I find her attitude bizarre.

If I was a teenager or still living at home, I could perhaps accept that she is just being protective.

However, I am 32 and haven’t lived at home for over 10 years. My boyfriend says to just let it go, as she will come around in the end when she sees us staying together.

I’m not sure I can, as it hurts to see her treat him like this.

What is her problem?

JENNIFER SAYS: Your mother’s behaviour is odd, as is the fact that she won’t tell you what’s bothering her. It is possible that she is just being protective, but I think it’s unlikely.

If this is the only thing bothering her, why can’t she tell you? After all, she is your mother, and it would be natural for her to be somewhat protective as you start a new relationship.

No, I think it more likely that she has convinced herself that your boyfriend is not good for you, but how she’s arrived at this conclusion I don’t know.

It could simply be that she just doesn’t like him for some unknown reason. A gut reaction with nothing rational about it, which could explain why she’s unable to tell you exactly what’s bothering her. It’s also possible that she has heard something about him that is completely untrue, something so bad that she can’t bring herself to talk about it.

The flip side of this is the possibility that the rumour might be true, or worse, that she KNOWS it to be accurate. In this scenario she might not want to be the bearer of bad news.

Whatever her reasons, if she continues to duck the issue with you, all you can do is trust your own judgement and hope that your mother does indeed eventually come around. To this I would add that it might be a good idea to speak quietly with a few trusted friends or other family members (who your mother might have spoken with) to see what they think.

You are planning to get married, so it wouldn’t hurt to get confirmation that he really is as wonderful as you think. Just take care that this man, who seems so wonderful, really is.

MY DAUGHTER’S HUSBAND BLAMES AFFAIRS ON DEPRESSION DEAR JENNIFER: I am worried about my daughter’s marriage. Her husband has a high-powered job, something to do with investment, and is under huge amounts of stress most of the time.

As long as I have known him, he has always visited bars after work. He says it’s to help him unwind, but I have never understood why he couldn’t just as easily have done this at home.

To the best of my knowledge, he’s had at least two affairs in their 14-year marriage, and I suspect he’s having another one now because he often stays away from home overnight.

Despite this, he has told my daughter that he loves his children and never wants to leave them or her, and for her part, she seems to accept all this.

Two years ago, she persuaded him to get some counselling to help to deal with the stress. He was diagnosed with depression and stuck with the counselling for about three months.

I know my daughter has spoken to him recently about his drinking and the affairs, but he says it’s the only way he can keep his depression and stress under control.

Do you think their marriage will survive?

JENNIFER SAYS: Don’t lose sight of what this must be doing to your daughter. Her husband has been abusing her and trampling over her self-respect for years.

So rather than sitting on the fence here, it might be more appropriate to ask your daughter why she has put up with this for so long?

Personally, I would be encouraging her to take a stand and make some demands. The danger is, if she doesn’t start to assert herself, she will eventually get to see this as normal behaviour and become a complete doormat.

As things stand now, he must feel he is getting all the benefits of home and children, while also being free to drink and sleep around.

If your daughter feels unable to tackle this issue alone, please encourage to speak to a therapist.