I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO TAKE HOLIDAY FROM PAL

Dear Jennifer: My husband died four years ago, and I have been lucky to have a really good friend to help me through it. We go way back and she’s as close to a soul mate as you can be.

We spend a lot of time together, including taking holidays, as her husband never wants to go.

These breaks have become very important to me, and although she is considerably better off than me, we have always shared the cost equally.

Unexpectedly, she got divorced last year — it was messy and not very amicable.

She did get a very generous settlement, though. The whole process upset her a lot, so I have done what I can to support her.

Throughout this time, she has wanted to do a lot more travelling with me, I suppose to cheer herself up. I have gone along with the first couple of trips, but they have been hugely expensive.

My friend now wants to spend a month on an all-inclusive, guided tour of India, but I simply can’t afford it.

I dodged the issue for a few weeks until my friend cornered me and asked if something was wrong.

I confessed that although I’d love the trip, I just haven’t got the money for it.

At which point she offered to pay. I said right away that that would not be right and I would feel awkward about it, but she said that’s silly as she can easily afford it.

She also said that, if I don’t go, we’ll miss out on a great trip because she won’t go without me.

Part of me now feels guilty that I am preventing her from going but, at the same time, I know that I will hate feeling like I owe something if I let her pay.

I am really confused about this, and don’t know what to do for the best. Should I just accept her generosity?

Jennifer SAYS: I can understand why this might be making you anxious and confused. Differing income levels can put a strain on some friendships, sometimes even cause them to drift apart.

However, please try not to worry about this too much.

Your friendship has lasted for many years with this inequality in place, so the odds are good that it can survive this.

It’s understandable your friend should want to pamper herself following her unexpected and messy divorce.

It’s also possible that once she has got this out of her system, things will return to normal. In this context, one option is to tell her that you will accept her generous offer, but only if she agrees that this is a one-off and that you can repay her kindness in other ways.

This could take many forms, from treating her to a spa day or perhaps a trip to the theatre.

It also need not involve spending money; you could cook some favourite meals for her, or offer to do a chore or task that she has been putting off.

If you really can’t accept her offer though, you’ll need to explain this to her carefully.

Jennifer SAYS: I am so sorry you feel this way. There is some evidence that depression can be driven by genetics, and some of what you describe could be symptoms of depression.

So, perhaps the best thing for you to do initially is have a conversation with your GP.

If it is depression, the good news is it can be treated, either with medication or counselling or both.

You should also mention your weight gain, to rule out any medical reason why this might be happening.

Whatever the outcome of this conversation, I think you should consider counselling help anyway.

You’ve convinced yourself that you are fat and ugly, even when your boyfriend is telling you he loves you and wants to marry you.

This poor self-image then drives you to eat more food, which suggests a nasty cycle of negative thinking that needs to be broken, and you’ll probably need help to do this.