WHY CAN’T THEY ACCEPT THAT I HAVE CHANGED?

DEAR JENNIFER: My sister died of cancer 25 years ago. I looked after her for those last few years and it was so traumatising that I lost myself in alcohol and diazepam.

It got so bad that my marriage fell apart and my husband got sole custody of my two daughters, who were only young children at the time.

After all this, I had a complete breakdown and ended up being sectioned. It was only for a short time, but it was enough to create a complete breach and I lost all contact with my family.

Not a day goes by when I don’t feel guilty and although it took me a long time to recover, I have now been drug and alcohol free for four years. I have my own place and, for the first time in ages, a job I have managed to stick at.

I found out through an aunt recently that my youngest daughter is getting married. I really want to go to this and re-connect with my family — even if only to explain what happened to me, but all attempts to contact my ex-husband and daughters has been ignored.

It took me ages to pluck up the courage to try and contact them through social media and it hurts so much that they won’t respond.

My aunt says they are terrified I will spoil the day by drinking again, but I know I won’t, I am not the same person they once knew.

Why can’t they accept that I have changed?

JENNIFER SAYS: They might, if only they would give you the opportunity to explain what happened to you. Social media is perhaps not the best way to make this approach.

Do you have any other means of contacting them? An email address perhaps or, better yet, a postal address. If not, ask your aunt if she has any means of contacting them.

If they won’t part with an address in any way, would they consider a phone or video call? Then write or speak to them, as you have to me, explaining what happened to you and ask if they can forgive you. Until you can make your case more fully, I don’t see how this sad situation can improve.

Your daughters have, I suspect, only ever heard negative things about you, as I’m rather assuming the break-up with their father was difficult and, probably, painful. Now they are older, they are hopefully mature enough to know the truth of the situation and make up their own mind.

I hope they can look at their own relationship with each other and understand how and why your sister’s cancer and then death affected you so badly.

It is a trying and difficult situation for anyone to go through and I hope they will be prepared to meet you — perhaps not at the wedding though. It would almost certainly be better to have a meeting with them before such a big event.

Further, if you do go, please take a friend or relative with you, to support you. If you were to go on your own, you might feel anxious and in need of a prop — you wouldn’t want that prop to be alcohol.

Finally, I hope things go well for you and that you are able to reconnect with your children. If not, hard as it may be, you will have to move on and build a new life for yourself without them.

JENNIFER SAYS: There is no need to use a solicitor to get a divorce unless there is a disagreement about the disposal of joint assets, or there are issues about child custody.

From what you have said, I can’t see any reason why you shouldn’t simply apply for divorce online. If you prefer, postal forms can be obtained.

You can make a joint application if you wish, but make sure that you are both committed to the process and willing to exchange information in order to complete forms etc.

There is no such thing as a ‘quick’ divorce though, you can expect the whole thing to take at least six months, and maybe more, as the court service works through the Covid backlog.

You’ll need to pay a court fee, but there should be no other costs involved unless disagreements occur.