WIFE DOESN’T WANT DAD TO LIVE WITH US

DEAR JENNIFER: My father-in-law has lived on his own for nine years now, following the death of his wife after a short illness. We all thought he would struggle to live on his own, but he’s managed pretty well, even though he is now 79.

However, last month he fell while carrying some bags from a shop to his car. When he eventually got to the hospital (he didn’t want to go!) they found he’d fractured a hip and his wrist. Anyway, having made a good recovery, he’s due to leave hospital shortly.

I have been thinking for some time that he would eventually have to come and live with us, but when I suggested to my wife that now might be a good time, she point blank refused.

I explained I would be happy to help look after him, but she is adamant she doesn’t want him living with us.

I am surprised and a bit shocked by her reaction, especially as she hasn’t really said why she is against it.

She’s always been a sympathetic person, willing to help people when they have problems, so I really don’t understand this reaction to someone in her own family.

Why is she being so hard on him? Should I try to persuade her?

JENNIFER SAYS: Taking on the care of an ageing parent is an enormous challenge, especially if there are ill-health issues as well.

And while I am sure your offer to help is genuine, I suspect the main burden of care will still fall on your wife, as she is his daughter. It can be hard work and is not something to be taken on lightly.

That said, your wife’s reaction suggests there may be other issues going on here too, things about the relationship with her father that possibly pre-date your marriage to her.

She seems unwilling to elaborate further on her reasons for not wanting her father to live with you, so I think you will just have to respect her wishes.

The other issue is, you have no idea if your father-in-law even wants to live with you. He seems to have made a good recovery, so it’s possible that he wants to keep his independence as long as he can and continue to live in his own home.

He may need some extra help at home until he is fully over this fall, and the hospital should assess this.

If they think it’s appropriate, they should then arrange some free short-term care, usually up to six weeks, after which it will need to be paid for.

It’s important that this is put in place before he is discharged from hospital, so perhaps one way you can help is to be there to make sure your father-in-law gets the support he is entitled to.

And once he’s at home, there’s nothing to stop you and your wife doing what you can to help. He lives nearby so would it be possible for one of you to pop in regularly to check on him, and perhaps do a bit of cooking or cleaning?

He might also appreciate someone doing the shopping for him — the last thing he needs just now is another fall.

JENNIFER SAYS: It’s never too late — a cliché I know, but it’s not wrong. I have friends who have married again in their 60s, 70s and one couple in their 80s — and some of them were carrying a little excess weight too.

I suspect you are just creating obstacles to getting out and about again because loneliness, while depressing, is something you’re familiar with. It probably feels safer than the uncertainty of a new relationship.

Yes, it might seem scary, but nothing ventured, nothing gained (sorry — can’t resist the cliches).

So please stay positive and start looking to meet new friends and potential partners.

You could do this through dating agencies, clubs, societies, or perhaps starting a course in something you enjoy.

The important thing is to just do it.