I’M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT MY DAUGHTER

DEAR JENNIFER: I was blindsided by the effects my divorce would have on my family.

The eldest of my two daughters didn’t speak to her father for two years. My younger daughter is 37 and has two amazing children — boys aged 14 and ve — and they have lived with me since the youngest was born. She also cut contact with her father for three years after the divorce, and I’m worried about her for several reasons.

She struggles to maintain long-term friendships and relationships; things start well but just burn out. I have been very concerned for the boys’ wellbeing too, as some of her friends use drugs and have gang affiliations.

My daughter assures me she had not done drugs again, although it’s recurring theme in her life as she seems drawn to the ‘excitement’.

The situation isn’t helped by the fact that there are two different fathers to her children, and neither of them has any contact with their child.

I think she also has mental health issues and is possibly bipolar. She takes medication for anxiety but, as this is managed, she doesn’t want any counselling and says she’s the best she’s ever been.

When I saw that the children were also suffering badly, particularly the eldest, I realised something had to be done, so I reached out to my ex-husband, as they were back in contact.

We talked about her issues, but apparently this was wrong of me, and she’s not forgiven me for discussing my concerns with him. She’s now shutting me out, which is difficult as we live under the same roof.

I’ve always been so involved as family mediator and in raising and supporting the boys, that it’s hard to now be alienated like this, especially as our relationship used to be so close.

I’ve apologised profusely for discussing my concerns with her father and said we need to nd a way to move forward and live without tension, but she still refuses to talk to me.

She’s now decided that she wants to stop paying rent to save a deposit for a house.

What do I do?

JENNIFER SAYS: Your email was very long, so I’m afraid I’ve had to edit it a bit in order to include it.

You’ve described a long-standing and complex situation, so I cannot hope to provide a simple solution for you in this reply. What I can do is offer a few suggestions about what might be happening, and what you can do to start the recovery process.

For example, your daughter’s extreme reaction to you talking to her father does seem odd, especially as she herself is now in contact with him. Can you think of anything that might have triggered this reaction?

Of course, it’s possible it’s being driven by a need to have her own space, though that wouldn’t explain why she is cutting you out of her life and not talking with you. I can’t help but think that something else is going on here. Has something else been worrying her?

I know she’s reluctant to talk but, as you live together, continue to try to get her to talk about anything that might be bothering her. Keep telling her that you love her and that you want to help. If she still won’t engage, could you ask her father or sister to talk with her?

Hopefully, one of you can get her to start talking, which in turn should open the door to recover the good relationship you once had.

I also strongly recommend that you seek further counselling help and support.