Irish Daily Star - Inside Sport
THE HARDEST YARDS
Harry Arter on how football helped after tragic loss of child
BOXERS will tell you that it’s the punch you don’t see coming that does the most damage.
Those are the blows that leave you flat on your back on the canvas.
Harry Arter knows the truth of that.
In December 2015, Arter’s partner and now wife, Rachel, lost their child, Renee, at birth.
The Ireland midfielder decided to go public on their loss, talking publicly about its impact in a number of interviews.
He had huge support from the football world, even getting a personal message from Pep Guardiola.
But what nags Arter now is that he wasn’t there enough for Rachel.
“I felt like I had a lot more support mechanisms in the first four, five, six months. There was a lot more fuss made of me than of someone who wasn’t playing football in the public eye,’’ he said.
“Two or three years later, that had an effect on my relationship with Rachel in a really negative way because I probably wasn’t there enough for her, for sure.
Sympathy
“That is a massive regret that I have. She would have seen me getting me all the sympathy and her being on her own.
“That is often the case with men in these circumstances, it can be a really lonely place. Because I was a footballer, I was getting this support.
“When I felt alone — which was what my wife felt, and what men usually feel — that phase hit me about a year later. I really struggled. I felt that everyone forgot, that no-one cared. That’s when it caused problems.”
Arter came up the hard way in the game. He joined Charlton at seven but made just one senior appearance with the club.
Playing
He had spells in non-league with Staines Town, Welling United and Woking and it was his move to Bournemouth that proved to be the making of him.
They were a League One outfit when he joined, but he’d end up playing in the Premier League with them.
“We played Manchester United three days after Renee passed. We had a huddle in the tunnel before going out on the pitch and Eddie Howe brought a priest into the huddle to say a prayer for Renee,’’ said Arter.
“I just felt that everyone was with me. It was an historic night for Bournemouth because it was the first time in the Premier League and to beat a team like United, but I just knew that there was no way that we weren’t winning that game.
“It was an incredible feeling. On the anniversary of that game, Bournemouth always put up clips on social media and it gives me a feeling I can’t explain. I feel so lucky to have
had that group of lads at that tough moment in my life.
“I’m so thankful to them for that.”
There was almost a sense that football had wrapped Arter in a comfort blanket.
But the threads were frayed. Soon they would unravel.
“I remember we played away to Burnley on Renee’s anniversary, and the whole crowd stood up and applauded,’’ he said.
“I got such good support and understanding from everyone for such a long time that it was unsustainable — nobody could be like that with me forever.
“So it was a real false time for me, really, and I know for a fact that, when that stopped, my personality or my mood was in a place where I was getting away with things. My teammates or my manager would be thinking ‘he must be having a bad day’.
“Eventually, it felt like a line was drawn under the entire situation. It probably wasn’t done in their minds — ‘this is it now, we’ve given Harry enough time’ — but that’s how I perceived it.
“Everyone treated me as if nothing had happened and I found that hard to deal with. I had resentment towards individuals and towards life, in general.
“The year from Renee’s passing, I was playing better than ever before. I signed a longterm deal with Bournemouth that was life-changing for me and my family. The day I signed that contract, genuinely, my world came crashing down.”
Arter pauses as emotion gets the better of him. He takes a moment and continues.
“I don’t know why, sorry, I haven’t spoken about this in a while. It’s just tough. That moment for me and my family, that contract, all the faith that people put in me at Bournemouth, that should have been the happiest moment of my life.
Achieved
“When I realised I’d achieved something that I thought would make my family and myself so happy, everything just came crashing down on me — this wasn’t the feeling I thought it was going to give me.
“It just highlighted that there was something majorly wrong in my life, something missing. That was the point where it really took hold of me for a while, to be honest.
“I think people found it really hard to understand because, at this point, I wasn’t talking about Renee, I never used that as an excuse for being down, I
just got on with things.
“I’d signed a new longterm deal on good money and there were people who felt that I then wasn’t bothering anymore. That was far from the case, I was really struggling.
“Thankfully, now, I’ve come through that phase. I had a bad time, both mentally and professionally, but I got things going again.’’
Arter is 33 now and contracted with Nottingham Forest until next year, but he is not part of manager Steve Cooper’s plans.
Watch
Scott Parker is a close friend. They were at Charlton together and Parker is married to Arter’s sister, Carly.
Earlier this week, Arter and some friends went to watch Parker’s Club Brugge lose to Benfica in the Champions League.
Having people to talk to, having the support of Rachel, in particular, has helped Arter greatly through the toughest of times.
“It’s such a tricky thing to put your finger on.You are grieving a child that you’ve never met,’’ he said.
“The initial pain and the initial sadness was...looking at the relationships I had with my brothers growing up, and seeing my friends and family with young children, and sad because you imagine how your family is going to be.
“You’re not grieving any memories so it is a difficult sort of grief to ever explain and to get anyone else to understand.
“What highlighted the loss for me was when we had our daughter Raine 18 months later. That was the worst phase for me. I really struggled on an emotional level.
“On a general level too. My football suffered, for sure. My personality changed a lot. I saw this little baby and pictured what Renee would have been like, and I found it really tough then.
“I’ve got going again, I’m in a better place now.”