Irish Daily Star - Inside Sport
bereaved dads play on in memory of lost ones
NO-ONE wants to be part of this team. But Féileacáin Fathers has helped them all immeasurably. It’s the football team of the association to help parents who’ve lost children to stillbirth or neonatal death. They’ll play their first game of 2023 next Saturday at 4pm in Cootehill, Co Cavan. It’s the Charli Mae memorial match. She was the daughter of former Dundalk kitman Dean Arrowsmith and his wife, Emily, who had a fatal heart defect. He coaches in Chicago now and has put together a team to take on Féileacáin Fathers. “It doesn’t matter if you get to hold a child or not, they’re still your kid,’’ says Arrowsmith. “We want to give Charli a legacy. We got Charli cremated. We’re coming back home to Ireland next week and will be taking Charli with us. “It’s ingrained in our society that men bottle things up and stay strong for the family in tough times. “When it happens, you feel you’re the only couple that’s ever gone through it. “Having the football team, you’re with people who’ve gone through the same thing. “You never forget the child you’ve lost. The football team gives you the chance to honour the child.” Dean plays for Charli Mae, Tony Owens plays for Arthur. “It’s not just losing a son, it’s losing a future, ’’ says Owens, from Ringsend in Dublin. ”You can just picture them — from holding your hand to the first steps to the first words to running off and getting married. “You’re losing a lifetime of things, you’re not just losing them for those few days.
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“Myself and Claire didn’t know where to turn when it happened. We heard about Féileacáin, went to the meetings and it was a great help. “A few years later, we were approached by Sands, the UK equivalent of Féileacáin, and they asked us if we’d like to set up a football team. “We put it out to the Féileacáin family to see if we could get 11 people, and 36 fathers said they wanted to play. “It’s hard to get men to talk about their feelings but, when you can get a group together, have a kick around and just be there in other people’s company with no pressure to talk. If you want to talk about your child, you’re more than welcome.” The Féileacáin Fathers team wear the names of their kids on the back of their shirts. There’s a number too. Zero. “We thought that it was very poignant because, ultimately, that’s what we left the hospital with,’’ said Owens. Tony plays for Arthur, Mark Boland plays for Ben. “Lorraine and I include Ben in everything we do. If we’re getting teddy bears for the kids, we get a fourth one for Ben,’’ he said. “Even there on Valentine’s Day, I get individual cards for the kids, and also get one for Ben. “He is very much at the forefront of our minds. We get it out there that we had a son, that he did exist. Keeping his memory alive.” Pulling on the jersey with Ben’s name on the back is almost overwhelming, according to Boland. “It’s poignant and it’s powerful. The zero is there to show that he never got the chance to celebrate a birthday,’’ he said. “When you explain the significance of the shirt to people, it does resonate with them.’’ Mark plays for Ben, Martin Smith plays for Stephen. The others have a football background, he never played much — but he loves what Féileacáin Fathers has given them all. “It’s kind of a safe space for men. It’s harder for men to let go of their emotions because they have this thing that they need to keep the family going,’’ he said. “In my case, I went back to work too early, kept going, kept working, and it really hit me after two years. “I just found going to the football helped. You’re around people who know what you’re going through. “After last year’s big match, there were six of us who stayed on in the dressingroom, just sitting there talking about the kids that we’d lost. “I found that fantastic. I said my own piece. There was no pressure to do anything, it was a natural outpouring on the day that was in it.’’