Craving for a baby is driving us apart

ANGUISH OVER IVF FAILURES

MY partner is demanding a third round of IVF.

We’ve been through the heart break of two failed attempts, on top of many years of trying for a baby naturally.

Last year we both agreed that if the last round didn’t work then we’d move to the seaside and take in some rescue dogs.

But now she wants “one last go’”.

But we’re already massively in debt from pervious attempts and because of all the extras we had to cough up for (medicines, consultations and tests). She’s being unreasonable and unrealistic.

Rows

The irony is that we don’t even have sex any more. She is a lot older than I am and several experts have already warned her it’s highly unlikely she’ll fall pregnant now due to her age and medical history.

During our darkest hours we have some terrible rows. She says I’m cruel and smug because I already have two sons from a previous relationship.

I became a dad to twins when I was 21. I fled from my responsibility and was mostly absent (due to my selfishness and immaturity) until the boys were 14.

I’m by no means proud of myself. These days I have a great relationship with them, and they know how bad I feel about neglecting them during their early years, but my partner keeps throwing it back in my face.

Of course, I want to have a child with her too. I can think of nothing more wonderful, but this matter is crippling our love, relationship and bank account.

How can I make her understand that we’ve hit a wall?

JANE SAYS: My heart goes out to both of you.

Your partner is devastated at not being able to conceive, while you’re doing your best to support her while trying to hold everything together.

I hope that you’re both getting the counselling you need.

It’s recommended that counselling be offered before, during and after IVF treatment regardless of the outcome.

Therapy would allow you both to discuss your feelings in a comfortable and confidential environment.

It’s important that you both keep talking and expressing how you feel and avoid using trigger words like “fault”.

The tragedy of not having sex is that you’re no longer communicating on a physical or emotional level.

Sex might seem almost meaningless right now, but closeness and affection will benefit you both.

Can you talk to your partner about trying intimacy again?

Make it clear you’re not trying to apply any pressure, but you’re allowed to be honest about missing her touch.

Ultimately, only you and she can decide if a third round of IVF is a good idea. Beg for calm discussions and weigh up all options, which may include fostering…