Scanlan15 Whatever you coo, just be vigilant
GOT TO PECK A POCKET OR TWO
THERE’S many unsophisticated things Ireland can’t do as well as our more sophisticated European neighbours.
I’ve flagged many of them here before. Completing a simple jump on a skateboard is one. Irish skateboard lads clearly don’t have the legs for it.
Show me someone who has seen a skateboard lad complete a basic jump properly and I’ll show you someone who’s not in Ireland.
Irish lads just flip over skateboards then bend over to flip them back up with their hands — then do it again. And again. And again.
And graffiti. Irish graffiti is rubbish — and for an artform that’s rubbish anywhere, that’s an achievement in itself. Irish graffiti lads spray a word on a pole then run away. ‘when do we want it’ then realising they want a pint and going away.
That was a sign we’re evolving — and regressing — to the levels of anywhere else in the world. And this week I saw another one... pickpockets.
There was a time when — if you wanted to be properly pickpocketed — you’d have to go to Barcelona or Milan and hang around a metro station looking at a map.
The travel guides to those cities say their pickpocketing problem is no worse than anywhere else — to which I’d say “except Ireland — they’re no good at it here”.
Walk
But... on Tuesday I was walking near St Patrick’s Cathedral in Dublin with a bag on my back on my way — I’m happy to report — to a pub.
A ne’er do well saw me before I saw the ne’er do well, presumed I was there to admire the architecture, and hand-launched a pigeon right to the back of my head.
That was the distraction, but in this case it wasn’t followed up with a squirt of fake bird doo-doo as I’m told happens elsewhere which was fortunate.
Mister Ne’er Do Well clearly had a pal whose plan was to dip into my backpack while he, in hindsight amusingly, asked me if I wanted bird feed.
I got lucky for two reasons. One was that there was nothing of any value in my bag unless ne’er do wells like the Dunnes tracksuit pants I wear cycling and a damp towel.
The second was I’ve been pickpocketed before, abroad, and am familiar with their pigeon throwing, bird feed offering ways...
So instinct took over — which, for me, usually has the same resulting reflex: I said: “f**k off ”.
In fairness to the ne’er do wells, they took my advice and duly f **** d off.
Perhaps to capture another pigeon. But it was clear: Ireland’s as bad as anywhere else now.
You’ve been warned. Has sido advertido. Sei stato avvisato.
RYAN Tubridy likes books.
I know this because he keeps telling us, even though we never asked.