Our sex sounds so daft
MY new boyfriend puts on funny voices during sex.
He does impressions during foreplay (Groucho Marx, Borat, Fr Dougal) which make me cringe.
Then, during intercourse he comes over all James Bond (Sean Connery era) or Mick Jagger.
Sometimes, I’m almost at the point of orgasm and he spoils the mood by doing his Donald Duck just as I’m about to scream.
I end up feeling frustrated and furious.
The other freaky thing he does is give his manhood “funny” nicknames. I’m encouraged to give “Mr Floppy” a kiss, or “Master Rod” a rub.
Why can’t he be normal?
JANE SAYS: From his silly voices to childish games, he sounds like a nightmare.
Is he worth the effort? If he’s not giving you the kind of sex you crave, and you can’t respect his behaviour, then surely you need to walk out before you explode?
The problem is that if you stick around for much longer, you’ll start to hate his guts; with that will come bitterness and unhappiness on both sides.
Tell him today that you’ve gone as far as you can go with this relationship.
I DEEPLY regret my hedonistic younger days.
I ripped off friends, hurt my parents and behaved like a selfish oaf.
I’m nearly 30 and in a fantastic relationship with a woman who has turned my life around.
Suddenly I’m sober and seeing with clear eyes.
She’s made me accept how selfish and cruel I was as a youth. I used to drink, steal, and make my mum and dad’s life a misery.
I used an army of women for casual sex and let down mates who (stupidly) trusted me.
My first employer nearly went under because I stole so much stock from him. How I avoided prosecution I’ll never know.
I last spoke to my mum in 2019 at my grandad’s funeral. I turned up late and drunk, and she was furious. During the wake, at a local, I drank like a fish and insulted various family members.
In the end I hooked up with a distant cousin (who was equally sloshed) and we bonked, very loudly, in the pub toilet. My dad went nuclear…
Then I tried to fight another cousin and steal a phone for a laugh. I still feel so ashamed.
My new partner is all about fresh starts. She says I have to apologise to everyone I’ve ever hurt or let down – otherwise I’ll never move on or learn to love myself. But how can I own up when I’ve been such an ass?
She keeps asking when I’m going to introduce her to my folks. But how can I when she doesn’t know the half of what I did?
The truth of the matter is that I’m a coward. I’m still too frightened and ashamed to confront my shabby past.
JANE SAYS: I agree that asking for a series of meetings with your family and all the other people you let down will help you to heal.
You need to start “paying back” both in emotional and financial terms. Unless you face your demons, then the healing process can’t begin.
Before that, though, your caring girlfriend deserves to hear the whole truth about your past, otherwise, how is she going to understand your current mindset?
Sit her down and tell her that you have a complicated, embarrassing, story to tell. Ask her to bear with you.
Make it clear that you’re not making excuses for your previous behaviour, which you’re deeply ashamed of.
Hopefully, if she loves you, then she’ll keep an open mind and agree that we’re none of us perfect. What’s most important is that you’re on the way back to normality.
Hopefully, your darkest days are behind you, and this is the start of a new beginning. Try not to let regrets overwhelm you. People grow up in different ways – you chose the wild path, but you’re not that guy anymore.
Park the past, and accept you’ve come through a storm – and survived.
Think seriously about owning up so you can start building bridges and moving on.