‘Be your true self’
RELATIONSHIP EXPERT PAUL BRUNSON ON NAVIGATING YOUR FIRST HOLIDAY TOGETHER
TwenTy years ago, Paul Brunson went on his first holiday with his girlfriend to a resort in Florida. while that girlfriend is now his wife, Jill Van Austin Brunson (so things obviously worked out okay in the end), it’s safe to say it wasn’t the best experience.
“I didn’t understand what my wife’s persona on holiday was, or mine, so it was terrible, terrible, terrible,” says American-born Brunson (39), now known as a relationship expert on TV shows such as Celebs Go Dating and Married At First Sight UK.
“She is what I now call a romantic relaxer. She likes to chill, visit the spa, sit at the pool or beach and read a book. But I am what we’re now calling a cultural connoisseur. I like to get to a city and go on tours, visit the museum and investigate. So we weren’t able to get it right. It felt like we were pulling a tightrope like it was a tug of war,” Brunson recalls.
“Also, the destination we went to had no culture to it, in my opinion. It was a resort in Florida with just a beach. To a lot of people that’s great, but (not) for me.
“If we had known our holiday personas before going into it, Jill and I could have planned around it and picked a better destination,” he adds.
Brunson has partnered with TUI Blue to help new couples better navigate their first holiday together.
As part of this, he has come up with four “couples’ holiday personas” — which as well as the aforementioned ‘cultural connoisseur’ and ‘romantic relaxer’, also include the ‘adventurous spirits’, who thrive on being challenged by exploring nature and thrilling physical activities such as snorkelling or kayaking, and ‘creative epicureans’, who are passionate about picking up new skills and stimulating their senses and creativity, with activities such as wine tasting or a cooking class.
Tests
According to a survey conducted by the travel company, 34% of new couples believe one of the biggest tests of their relationship has been their first holiday together, which increases to 60% for those aged 18-35.
The research also found 29% of new couples were afraid of snoring while sleeping or farting in front of their partner while on holiday, and 26% didn’t feel comfortable sharing a bathroom.
“Those are all psychological responses,” Brunson says. “We’re always all in a ‘fight or flight’ response. You know, it’s the polyvagal theory. Whenever we feel comfortable, that means that we’re not under threat and we’re more willing to be open, and accepting, to learn compromise and sacrifice.
“If you’re in a destination where you feel comfortable, you are less defensive and more willing to have a conversation around the bathroom, because it’s your first time sharing it, as opposed to just ducking around the corner, which is what I did (on my first holiday with Jill),” he explains.
“I would go and use the toilet in the restaurant because I didn’t want her to see me. So we must be in a psychological state of calmness, and not under threat. That is what helps us most in these scenarios.”
But when reflecting on the generational differences when it comes to new relationships, Brunson thinks there’s so much we can learn from each other about love.
“The younger generation wants to very quickly figure out if the person is authentic, because that’s really what the holiday is about. You’re going to be in a place where you’re under pressure, but what happens when the mask falls?
“The older generation approaches relationships a little bit differently on average, and that is due to them knowing more about themselves. But they also use more dates, meeting the family and other things to see the mask drop.
“I believe — even though I’m probably considered part of the older generation in this — the younger generation has got it right. A holiday is one of the best tests for compatibility. It gives you a chance to figure out if you like the person, or cannot stand them. So be your true self.”
Important
Brunson also believes looking after our personal wellbeing and self-esteem when navigating new and existing relationships is really important. Not only does it take the focus off of the need for external validation, it means we’re showing up as our best selves.
“Every morning when I wake up, I do me first. I show my gratitude, work out, I do yoga, and travel all the time,” he says.
“I eat with my family typically every night around 7pm, even with my crazy schedule. I set boundaries, and also understand that I’m in a state of privilege, but I was also doing this when I didn’t have any.”