My wife wants to use sex toys — is she hav­ing an af­fair?

Irish Examiner - Feelgood - - Health - Sex ad­vice with Suzi God­son Send your queries to suzigod­son@mac.com

My wife and I have been mar­ried for 12 years. Re­cently she has started sug­gest­ing that we try new things, such as bring­ing sex toys into the bed­room and try­ing new po­si­tions. I’ve heard this can be a sign that some­one is hav­ing an af­fair — should I be wor­ried?

>> You are right about the fact that peo­ple in the early stages of an af­fair of­ten be­come more ex­per­i­men­tal with their pri­mary part­ner. Low lev­els of fear and anx­i­ety can heighten arousal, so a se­cret sex­ual re­la­tion­ship can in­crease the ap­petite for sex.

Although in­fi­delity causes chaos in the long term, in the early stages of a new af­fair, a woman can feel sex­u­ally and emo­tion­ally ap­pre­ci­ated and they of­ten lose weight too. (Of course, I’ve seen the same thing hap­pen with men.) That heady com­bi­na­tion of feel­ing wanted and look­ing bet­ter makes them more con­fi­dent, and if their orig­i­nal re­la­tion­ship is rel­a­tively sound and the af­fair is op­por­tunis­tic, it is not un­com­mon for some­one who is be­ing un­faith­ful to over­com­pen­sate at home as a way of al­le­vi­at­ing guilt.

For a pe­riod of time, they can play the home and away sides si­mul­ta­ne­ously, un­til the de­ceit even­tu­ally catches up with them. As it al­ways does.

How­ever, in this case, I don’t think your wife is hav­ing an af­fair. The rea­son I don’t think you need to worry is be­cause you only men­tion a change in her sex­ual be­hav­iour. If she was cheat­ing, there would be other, much more ob­vi­ous in­di­ca­tions. She would be go­ing out more. She would have a new hobby that got her out of the house, or she would have joined a yoga class or a gym. It would all be jus­ti­fi­able and you would find it hard to put your fin­ger on pre- cisely what it was that had changed, but you would some­how sense that she was hid­ing some­thing from you. If she was hav­ing an on­line re­la­tion­ship, she would be stay­ing up late to “do a few things on the com­puter” and com­ing to bed af­ter you. Whether the af­fair was on, or off­line, she would be re­ceiv­ing more texts and be much more pro­tec­tive of her phone. If any of this rings alarm bells you need to con­front her.

Although it may feel sur­pris­ing to you, there is noth­ing par­tic­u­larly sus­pi­cious about a woman who has been mar­ried for 12 years want­ing to rev up her love life. In fact, I would have thought that her new-found en­thu­si­asm for sex would be hugely wel­come. Even if you pre­vi­ously con­sid­ered your sex life to be sat­is­fy­ing, there’s no rea­son that it couldn’t be­come even more ex­cit­ing and pas­sion­ate. As for where she got the in­spi­ra­tion, per­haps she spoke to a friend, or even read this col­umn.

I have pre­vi­ously writ­ten fairly com­pre­hen­sive guides to buy­ing a vi­bra­tor here and it may have in­spired her to give them a try. If you have never used them with each other be­fore I would cer­tainly en­cour­age you to give them a try. Vi­bra­tors can turbo-charge fe­male sex­ual arousal and are fun to use to­gether. Re­search has also shown that fe­male vi­bra­tor users have higher li­bidos, more sat­is­fy­ing sex lives, and more re­li­able or­gasms.

The best fe­male sex toys are pricey be­cause they are de­sign-led and use cut­ting-edge tech­nol­ogy. The Ja­panese brand Tenga is prob­a­bly the most aes­thet­i­cally pleas­ing and the Tenga Iroha Sakura is a clas­sic. If you want to ex­per­i­ment with G-spot stim­u­la­tion Je Joue’s G-Kii can be curved into dif­fer­ent shapes at the touch of a but­ton. Most sex toys aimed at men are much less ap­peal­ing — as they are less pop­u­lar, they have not de­vel­oped to the ex­tent that fe­male vi­bra­tors have, and are of­ten very prim­i­tive.

Or­der­ing sexy treats on­line will turn this into a mu­tual ad­ven­ture and shar­ing new sex­ual ex­pe­ri­ences with each other will help to strengthen your emo­tional bond and heighten in­ti­macy.

“If

she was cheat­ing, there would be other much more ob­vi­ous in­di­ca­tions

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