If the po­si­tion is work­ing for you, then ap­pre­ci­ate it

Irish Examiner - Feelgood - - Health - Please send your queries to suzigod­son@mac.com

My hus­band and I only have sex in the mis­sion­ary po­si­tion be­cause it seems guar­an­teed to bring both of us to or­gasm. I’m wor­ried some­times that we’re be­ing lazy and not ad­ven­tur­ous enough. Should we be spic­ing things up? >> You’re not the only ones. A few years ago I car­ried out a sex­ual prac­tices sur­vey that was filled in by 3,500 peo­ple and a whop­ping 80% of them cited mis­sion­ary as the sex­ual po­si­tion they en­gaged in most fre­quently. Like you, most cou­ples har­bour se­cret anx­i­eties about din­ing from a lim­ited sex­ual menu, but psy­cho­log­i­cal re­search has shown time and again that choice is the en­emy of sat­is­fac­tion. When you give peo­ple too many op­tions, they ei­ther stick to the choices that have worked for them in the past, or they avoid choos­ing al­to­gether.

There may be umpteen po­si­tions, but there are a num­ber of very good rea­sons why mis­sion­ary is most peo­ple’s go-to. First, you can look each other in the eye, which lets you com­mu­ni­cate your feel­ings. Sec­ond, it max­imises skin con­tact and you can reach pretty much any body part of in­ter­est. Third, you are close enough to kiss each other. Mis­sion­ary is also one of the best po­si­tions for cli­toral stim­u­la­tion, although some peo­ple find that it doesn’t work for them. That could be sim­ply be­cause of their anatomy.

Dr Su­san Oak­ley, an ob­ste­tri­cian and gy­nae­col­o­gist at Good Sa­mar­i­tan Hos­pi­tal in Cincin­nati, Ohio, used mag­netic res­o­nance imag­ing and found anatom­i­cal dif­fer­ences be­tween 10 women who were un­able to or­gasm and 20 women who could. Oak­ley found that women who had dif­fi­culty reach­ing or­gasm also tended to have smaller cli­torises that were lo­cated about 5-6mm far­ther away from the vagi­nal open­ing. But I di­gress.

The mis­sion­ary po­si­tion is great for men be­cause it al­lows them to con­trol the rhythm and depth of their move­ment. It also gives men who fear pre­ma­ture ejac­u­la­tion some con­trol over the level of stim­u­la­tion, and this can help them to de­lay or­gasm. You don’t say whether you have chil­dren yet, but the mis­sion­ary po­si­tion is be­lieved to be the best po­si­tion for re­pro­duc­tion.

If you are wor­ried about be­ing bor­ing, it is easy to tweak things to make sex more ad­ven­tur­ous. In­stead of just ly­ing down, why not lift your legs and rest them over his arms, or over his shoul­ders. This will make quite a nor­mal po­si­tion feel a lot more risque. Adding in a few well-cho­sen props can help too. Mis­sion­ary when you are wear­ing a blind­fold is quite a dif­fer­ent ex­pe­ri­ence.

You could also try us­ing cou­ples’ sex toys. The We-Vibe Sync is a good place to start — it’s a vi­bra­tor that has been de­signed to be en­joyed with a part­ner dur­ing pen­e­tra­tive sex. It is de­signed to stim­u­late both of you at the same time.

Other good op­tions are to try this vari­a­tion on the mis­sion­ary. Change po­si­tions with each other, so that you are on top, and ly­ing your body along the length of his. Put one leg be­tween your hus­band’s two. It’s a po­si­tion that women tend to find very plea­sur­able, and it also means that you can con­trol the rhythm. You could also try mas­ter­ing the coital align­ment tech­nique, which in­volves rock­ing rather than thrust­ing, to put rhyth­mic pres­sure on your cli­toris. Your hus­band needs to po­si­tion him­self on top, but far­ther up your body than nor­mal.

How­ever, I must warn you that while the coital align­ment tech­nique works well for some cou­ples, it can be ter­ri­bly tricky to mas­ter and some peo­ple find that the ef­fort in­volved in get­ting into the right po­si­tion and co­or­di­nat­ing the rhythm ends up be­ing such a faff that it is a com­plete turn-off.

For that rea­son alone, it is def­i­nitely worth giv­ing it a go. There is noth­ing like a laboured at­tempt to spice up your sex life to make you ap­pre­ci­ate the in­ti­mate and re­li­ably or­gas­mic sex life you al­ready have. While I fully ad­mire your de­ter­mi­na­tion to keep your sex life rich and var­ied, I would urge you not to for­get that it sounds very much like you al­ready have a bet­ter sex­ual re­la­tion­ship than most peo­ple. So as the say­ing goes: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

“Psy­cho­log­i­cal re­search has shown time and again that choice is the en­emy of sat­is­fac­tion Sex ad­vice with Suzi God­son

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