Ask Au­drey

Irish Examiner - - Life / Style -

C’mere, what’s the story with sit­ting next to a langer from Kerry on the train. I was in Dublin yes­ter­day for a track­suit con­ven­tion and we were happy out leav­ing Kent Sta­tion, ev­ery­one in the car­riage call­ing each other a langer, but in a friendly Cork way, do you know what I mean? Then we got to Mal­low and this sly gowl off the Kil­lar­ney train sat next to me wear­ing an af­ter­shave that was prob­a­bly called ‘Who Farted, Lads?’ Next thing you know, he’s try­ing to make con­ver­sa­tion with that ac­cent they have. Is there any­thing to be said for a Cork only car­riage? — Dowcha Donie, Black­pool, I felt sorry for the poor fella to be hon­est with you

>> Me too — two hours sit­ting next to a norry. (Imag­ine.) I con­tacted Ir­ish Rail to see if there would be any in­ter­est in a Cork only car­riage. The woman said they get thou­sands of re­quests for that ev­ery year. I said from Corko­ni­ans? She said no, peo­ple from the other 31 coun­ties. (Ap­par­ently we’re un­bear­able.)

Hey dude. I’ve de­vel­oped this su­per-cool app that calls up your em­ploy­ees in the run up to Christ­mas and says: “You’ve been re­placed by a ro­bot. Happy hol­i­days.” Peo­ple love the con­ve­nience, so now I’m to­tally a bil­lion­aire. Any­way, my Pop’s Grand­pop is to­tally from Bantry so I’m down here now open­ing an of­fice. #Giv­ingBack. The thing is, my name is Bren­dan, but the lo­cals down here keep call­ing me Brindin. That is so not on, guys. Is there a way to put them right? — Bren­dan, San Fran­cisco

>> I’m sure you have a guru on re­tainer. Maybe you could book him to give a mo­ti­va­tional talk to the lo­cals called ‘There is no i in Bren­dan.’ Only mess­ing, it would be a com­plete waste of time. Try­ing to get a Bantry per­son to pro­nounce Bren­dan is as point­less as Eng­land af­ter the group phase of the World Cup. (They should con­sider erect­ing a hard bor­der in front of their goal.) #Top­i­cal.

Hello old stock. My­self and Hoggy are sup­posed to be in Aus­tralia, sup­port­ing Ire­land in the rugby and shout­ing “Ye flamin’ Sheila mon­grels” at hot Aussie stun­ners. (They love the Ir­ish sense of hu­mour.) Un­for­tu­nately Hoggy got talk­ing to two very lib­er­ated mi­nor Ger­man aris­to­crats in Heathrow, and long story short, we’re cur­rently do­ing the med­i­cal exam to join a sex and bondage cult here in the Black For­est. I can’t see us leav­ing, which is a prob­lem, be­cause my­self and Mar­jorie were due to hit Crookhaven in mid July for our an­nual dis­play of wealth. Any chance you could tell her I’m at a work thing, I’ll be back home be­fore Christ­mas? — Reg­gie, Black­rock, the Ger­mans are mad for the old sex

>> They must be, if you’re get­ting some ac­tion. I rang Mar­jorie there and told her that some­thing came up at work. She said, it’s been a long time since any­thing came up for Reg­gie, do you think he’ll be tied up for long?

I said that’s kind of how it works al­right.

How’re oo’ goin on? Her­self is af­ter fall­ing in with a gang of sur­re­al­ists

back in Bantry and didn’t she come home and say we should re­dis­cover the auld in­ti­macy, and us in our eight­ies. I said what do you have in mind and she said it might be time to try some­thing new in the bed­room. Do you think she means wall­pa­per? — Dan Paddy Andy, head out be­yond Dri­moleague un­til you see a man who has man­aged to get this far with­out sham­poo

>> #Greasy. I asked my niece about this, she’s an ap­pren­tice sex expert. (Her re­search in­cludes a week­end in Kin­sale.) She said peo­ple in their 80s get very frisky at this time of year. I said, the weather? She said no, Daithi and Maura are off for the sum­mer, and all the oldies are bored stiff. I said what new thing could an 80-yearold bog­man try dur­ing sex? (No of­fence.) She said take off his wellies. (Of­fence.)

My hus­band and I can af­ford to live in Lindville on the Black­rock Road be­cause we’re both ex­cep­tion­ally well paid pro­ject man­agers. (Just thought I’d tell you.) Any­way, we car­ried out a deep-dive re­view of the re­cent heat­wave and all the ev­i­dence sug­gests there is no point go­ing to the beaches around Cork be­cause they are in­fested with north­siders. We are now brain-storm­ing a new leisure strat­egy go­ing for­ward and would love to hear your thoughts. — Mon­ica, Lin­vdville (one of the big­ger houses), Black­rock Road, I’m on med­i­ca­tion

>> Thank God. I checked with the Posh Cousin on this. She said steer clear of beaches that are served by bus or train. I said, but Nor­ries have cars. She said I know, but they couldn’t af­ford them back in the 1970s, when they went to Foun­tain­stown with their Nana. I said, but how do we know Nor­ries never change their ways? She said you can read all about it in my new book. I said what’s it called? She said, ‘We Do Still Be Eat­ing Bodice and Meet­ing Each Other Out­side Roches Stores’. #Long­winded

This sly gowl off the Kil­lar­ney train sat next to me wear­ing an af­ter­shave that was prob­a­bly called ‘Who Farted, Lads?’

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