Donald is still trumped by the woman who has not had sex for 39 years

WHAT is it with men and their obsession with women who haven’t had sex for a long time?

I haven’t written about President Donald Trump since he was elected last November. I didn’t want to upset the man. But duty calls and the world is in peril.

If you upset President Trump it makes him very angry. And he reacts by throwing the missiles out of the silo. I was thinking of going easy on him, for that very reason. And sometimes he insults those who disagree with him by saying they have small penises.

I will come back to President Trump and the threat of nuclear war very shortly. But first of all we must deal with a domestic crisis. The Woman Who Hasn’t Had Sex for 39 years isn’t happy with me either.

We mentioned Mrs 39 was fast-approaching her 40th anniversary. Your correspondent was inundated with requests for a meeting with Mrs 39 by men who were anxious to end her drought.

Mrs 39 did tell me the last time she had sex was in 1978. Her then-husband seduced her with bonbons and a ‘Woman’s Way’ magazine. So I suppose he wasn’t all bad. The husband left soon after with a younger woman and he was not seen again until he came home from America in a small jug.

Let me state categorically, and unequivocally, without fear of contradiction, and in full possession of all the facts, Mrs 39 does not want to have sex with any man, under any circumstances. Whatsoever. She said as much to me yesterday, or was it the day before?

I’m not certain why her case has so exercised the men of Tipperary. Mrs 39’s story is the talk of the Premier County. It could be they have no one of their own who has spurned sex for so long. One man from the verdant foothills of Slievenamon is alone, all alone. His own missus left him 39 years ago for an oil man. Not from Texas, but he drove the oil delivery truck and he was giving her more than fuel. Mr 39 arrived at Listowel Races, sent by South Tipperary county councillor Eddie O’Meara, who is a great man to do a turn, and a close confidante of yours truly.

“I want to get the monkey off her back,” said the sheep farmer.

So I say to him: “It’s not so much a question of getting the monkey off her back as the terrier off the lead.” Mrs 39 goes nowhere without her fox terrier Martin (not his real name).

Martin knows where his bread is buttered. I saw Mrs 39 buying sirloin steak for Martin. Still though, if she takes up with Mr 39, Martin will have the best of mountainy lamb which many seem to think is sweeter and more tender than lowlands lamb.

I don’t want to go falling out with any lowland sheep people. I’m in enough trouble as it is with Mrs 39, President Trump and Pyongyang for writing about them here in the paper.

I have one last go. Eddie says if he doesn’t get the match made for Mr 39 a number one could go missing and the Sage of Tipperary is only too well aware that if one breaks off from the flock, the rest will follow.

Eddie’s slogan is “I’ll get back to you on that”, and he usually does, but politics is a fickle game. So I have one more go.

I say to Mrs 39, Mr 39 looks a lot like George Clooney from a distance if you weren’t wearing your glasses, to which remark Mrs 39 replies: “Which Clooneys would he be?” I gave up then. There’s no hope. There’s no time left here to return to President Trump and the North Korean missile crisis, which may or may not end up ending the world. It might be as well to leave unwell alone.

I was fine and cocky here writing smart talk about the North Korean leader Chairman Kim Jong-un.

I checked out the so-called facts on the internet and was reassured to discover we were too far away from North Korea to be hit by missiles, but I was wrong.

You couldn’t trust the internet to tell you the day of the week.

It seems the North Korean missiles do have the capability to reach Ireland and our next door neighbours are ruled by a woman who would tell Santa to clear off out of the house for having soot on his snow shoes.

For these reasons we might be as well off to leave North Korea and President Trump alone until next week, if there is a next week.

But the main reason for the leaving of North Korea is there have been important developments in the Mrs 39-Mr 39 story.

She was waiting outside the door only this morning.

“Tell that man in Tipperary I’m not promising anything, but I will keep an open mind. We have both been badly wronged by the world.” Martin had a puss on him. It seems the woman two down from Mrs 39 had a new kitchen put in and Mrs 39, all of a sudden, became very unhappy with her own kitchen, so now she wants a new one of her own, just like the woman two down, only bigger and dearer.

Some of this is supposition based on years of studying kitchen envy, but the upshot is Mrs 39 wants me to inspect Mr 39’s sheep farm in a secret location in Tipperary, very near Mullinahone, and to count his sheep. I hope I don’t fall asleep on the job.

Eddie is aghast. He says the sheep are real and not fake grant sheep. Eddie is not sure how Mr 39 will react to this slur on his integrity.

“I’ll come up to Tipp anyway Eddie,” I say. “Isn’t it 78 years since they had sex and we have a moral duty our best to end nearly four score of celibacy.” “I’ll get back to you on that,” replies Eddie. We will keep you posted on the ongoing stories in South Tipperary and North Korea.