Talkin’ the talk: Parts 1, 2 and 3

STRANGE though it might sound, not all Irish people are natural talkers. Some of us dread it, in fact. A lady phoning a talk show last week outlined her lifelong fear of social gatherings and how she inevitably “dried up” when faced with the prospect of talking to strangers. We’ve all been there, shivering on the business end of that conversational diving board with nary a shred of dialogue to cover our extremities from the perilous deep water of silence.

A talent for gab, chatter, parley or gossip is indeed a gift of serious social value

– but one more often learned from experience rather than the age old cliché of “being born with it”. When Jane Austen declared, “My idea of perfect company is the fellowship of clever, well-informed people who have a great deal of conversation,” she surely said a mouthful for all the tongue-tied virgins fearful of any kind of social intercourse.

So, OK, let’s start with the cocktail party – the rite of social passage all of us must cut our teeth on at some point.

If you’re the kind of person who generally hides around the spider plants or lurks behind the coat rack at neighbourly gatherings, why not decide 2018 is the year you’ll throw caution to the wind and release the loquacious Lenny Henry or verbose Ruby Wax (below) residing within?

Rule number one – flatter like a pro. Cruise by the nearest attractive guy or gal and burble admiringly: “Marjorie’s been telling me what a wonderful water-colourist you are.”

It matters not a whit that the closest they’ve come to art is sticking their kids’ pictures on the fridge – they’ll feel so chuffed to be admired from afar you’ll have their undivided attention for ages. Rule number two: bring something juicy. At an Irish party gossip is the most treasured currency. Sidle by the nearest stranger and, nodding imperceptibly in the crowd’s general direction, murmur: “They say she’s going to take him to the cleaners, you know.” As your new friend cranes his neck like a faulty submarine periscope, add: “Damn shame, really – the man’s a fool.”

Rule number three (and most important conversational gambit of them all): interrogate, pump and grill. Everyone likes to talk about themselves, and whether the chat concerns a wild-flower jaunt to the Burren or the joys of double-entry book-keeping, you’ll at least have cracked the conversational ice.

A necessary addition is the counsel offered by a dowager Vanderbilt hostess of the last century: “Treat any social gathering as the shark does the ocean – keep moving and circulate – who knows what tasty morsel is waiting around the next corner?”

Whether you’re looking for friendship, romance or just a well-told story, there’s no escaping you’ve just gotta get out there and mingle.