Get your bits out for the lads...
THE REAL FULL MONTY ITV/UTV, TONIGHT, 9PM
THERE are certain rules in life that stand the test of time – never trust a company that boasts ‘you can trust us’. Always be wary of the bloke who insists on telling you he’s a nice guy and never, ever believe someone when they say they are doing something to “raise awareness”.
Well, maybe I should rephrase that last one – whenever someone says they are doing something to raise awareness they usually mean they are trying to raise the public’s awareness of...them. And it’s usually used as a bulletproof vest against criticism.
Far be it from me to impugn the motives of the celebrities who have ever so bravely and selflessly signed up for The Real Full Monty (ITV, tonight, 9pm), because they are doing it to raise awareness of prostate cancer. So fair’s fair, I suppose.
The brave and selfless celebrities lining up to do this year’s striptravaganza include the likes of Ainsley Harriott and Ugo Monye, as well as some rather lesser stars of the entertainment firmament as James Argent, who is apparently on one of those delightful reality shows.
Hosted by the always reliable Alexander Armstrong – who should at least be able to provide some suitably sarky commentary – the lads get their bits out tonight, followed by tomorrow night when a bunch of equally brave and selfless female celebrities, featuring the likes of Coleen Nolan, Megan McKenna and Michelle Heaton, show the boys how the girls do it. Or something.
But remember, it’s all about raising awareness and only a monster would dare to criticise or even lampoon such a brave and selfless act...
Mary Coughlan is the guest chef on The Restaurant (TV3, tonight, 9pm) and if that doesn’t do enough to spark your taste buds into action, MasterChef (BBC1, tonight, 9pm) sees the first group of contestants work in a proper restaurant kitchen, which is always fun. For us, not for them.
Expect at least one complete psychological collapse as they discover that the phrase ‘if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen’ can sometimes be meant literally.
One of last week’s contestants tried to stuff something with a peach, which is probably the most disgusting use of a peach since Peter Cook came up with peche a la frog, ‘which is a frog done in Cointreau with a peach stuffed in its mouth.’
Actually, peche a la frog probably wasn’t as vile as the alternative – frog a la peche which, as Cook admitted, is a ‘huge peach, which is covered in boiling liqueur, you see, and he slices it open to reveal about two thousand little black tadpoles squiggling about.’
Now there’s one for the invention test!