‘Giroud - with or without hipster beard - is a bit of a trembler’
might deceive an opponent. Nor is ‘opening his body’ a surgical procedure but rather a player’s stance when he receives or delivers the ball, while ‘it moved in the air’ might sound obvious but it just means the football swerved in flight.
Who are the game changers?
Brazil’s pouty spoilt brat Neymar has a point to prove, while Croatia’s Luka Modric, red carded by the taxman only recently, is a great string-puller. Then there’s Belgium’s redhead Kevin de Bruyne who looks like a lost child but can play like a man possessed.
But if it’s goals that keep you from dozing off, stick with French assassin Antoine Griezmann and Egypt’s irrepressible Mo Salah.
Not forgetting England captain Harry Kane. The lethal goal-poacher has strong connections to Letterfrack and was keen at one stage to wear the green. Err, his loss.
And the lookers?
German goalkeeper Manuel Neuerisa bit of a catch, while Griezmann has the advantage of being effortlessly cool and, well, French. Spain’s Gerard Pique, who retires from international football after this tournament, has long been a Barca pin-up and France’s Olivier Giroud, with or without his hipster beard, is a bit of pin-up boy.
The fact that neither the Italians nor the Netherlands made it to Russia means the normal quotient of objectifiable male flesh is considerably diluted. Take it up with Fifa.
Are wags still a thing?
Wags were in their trashy prime at the 2006 World Cup but soon became a subject of ridicule. All a bit passé now.
The English players will only have a chance to mingle with their significant (and insignificant) others after each game. Dele Ali’s model girlfriend Ruby Mae will be among them, along with Jamie Vardy’s I’m A Celebrity wife Rebakah.
Ronaldo’s girlfriend Georgina Rodriguez (left), and mother to his children, will make an appearance, but she won’t be trying to upstage the man in her life.
Gerard Piques’s wife Shakira likes to show her support for her husband in the posh seats. But don’t expect her to sing. This is her husband’s gig.
Who’s on the gobblebox?
Martin O’Neill and Roy Keane will transfer from the dugout to the ITV studios although a lot of Irish fans will have had their fill of the two of them. But both do a nice line in self-deprecation and are more than capable of starting a row with a live microphone.
Kevin Kilbane will be in the BBC squad which includes consummate divers Didier Drogba and Jurgen Klinsmann, while Richie
Sadlier, Damian Duff and Didi Hamann will be among those who will have to remain stoic as The Dunph does his trademark analytical contortions and scores spectacular own goals.
But while some things never change, others do. The late, great Bill O’Herlihy bowed out of broadcasting at the World Cup four years ago and John Giles is no longer part of the panel.
It won’t be the same without them.
And the referee?
He’ll be a w**ker, of course. That’s his job.