David Coleman
My teen daughter has pulled back from her friends
Q
My daughter just turned 14 during lockdown. She was incredibly glum around the time of her birthday and I put it down to not being able to celebrate with her friends. I thought she’d be delighted to be back out hanging out with friends since things have eased, but actually she has been really reluctant to meet her friends. I don’t know if something has happened with the friends, or if she has just become withdrawn like that girl the mum wrote to you about a few weeks ago. I’m not sure what to do? A
It sounds like the best thing to do may be to just talk to your daughter. Understanding what, if any, problem she has, will, of course, be a precursor to offering any kind of help.
It can be tempting, in these situations, to start off these kinds of conversations with questions like “what’s wrong with you?” or “why don’t you want to meet your friends?”. While these seem like the most direct way to get at the issue for your daughter, in practice, they often have very little success as a means to encourage open conversation.
Part of the reason for that is that questions can often feel pressurising for teenagers. There is a social expectation that a question will receive an answer and there are many reasons why your teenager may not want to answer your question.
They may fear that their answer will upset or anger you. They may not want to expose their own upset. They may be embarrassed to give an answer. They may just not feel ready to share the intimate details of their life, or feelings with you. So questions from parents, even nice open questions, can sometimes get in the way of talking about things.
A more effective starting place might be to make some empathy statements about what you have observed in her demeanour or behaviour, and then to follow those up with a recognition of your concern or worry on her behalf, or your openness to discussing things, if she wants.
For example, you might say, “I notice you have seemed really glum over the last while, and I’ve also seen that you seem reluctant to go and meet your friends. I’ve been wondering if those things are connected. I’m happy to chat to you about any of this stuff if you think it might help.”
Or an alternative start point might be to say, “It looks like it is hard to be you these days. I notice you rarely seem interested in hanging with your friends, and they used to be so important to you. Maybe the lockdown has really changed things. I’m happy to listen if there is something bothering you.”
Sometimes this is enough to open the door to a conversation. Sometimes these kinds of statements just serve to plant a seed about your potential to understand and your willingness to listen without judgement, such that a conversation might develop later.
Either way, starting with empathy shows your daughter that you have noticed her and that you care. Once you do understand more about what is going on, there may be an opportunity to help or advise her. But even at that point tread carefully and wait for invitation to help. Unasked-for advice is rarely welcomed!
Q
How can I stop my 18-monthold grandson from slapping his mum, dad and his grandmother when he does not get his own way? Other times, for no apparent reason, he slaps and kicks them even when he does not appear to be upset.
He also has a habit of throwing things. Any advice to curb this behaviour would be welcome. A
It would be interesting to observe these interactions to see if there is any pattern to when your grandson hits. Also, how do the adults react, or respond, to this behaviour currently? Because your grandson is only 18 months old, he doesn’t require any punishment, or harsh consequence for hitting. He just needs to be stopped from hitting.
Telling him to stop is not enough. We need to have a stern, commanding tone to our voice when saying “stop”, but we also need to back up the command with action, doing something (like moving out of reach, gently but firmly holding his hands, or legs) that actually stops him, such that he learns that he is simply not allowed to hit or kick.
Because he has built up a habit of hitting out, he may need repeated interventions, of clear verbal direction to stop, allied with some action to make him stop.
Be willing and prepared to give lots of positive attention to his good behaviour too, as this will act as a nice, supportive counterbalance to those times when you have to be firm and stern.
‘Teens may just not feel ready to share the intimate details of their life, or feelings with you. So questions from parents, even nice open questions, can sometimes get in the way of talking about things’ How do I stop my 18-month-old grandson from hitting out?