‘We all need social connection — so don’t isolate yourself ’

Neil O’Brien, Chartered Psychologist and Managing Director of People Performance Ltd (peopleperformance.ie), makes the point that “people can feel exposed during meetings as it is an ‘abnormal’ way to interact. We have been conditioned to interact face-to-face and to use both verbal and non-verbal cues to shape our responses. This is more difficult on a video conference.

“Also, people can feel more pressure to respond as it may not always be as easy to get your point across in a video-con. There is no simple answer to this,” he points out, adding “there is a responsibility on the meeting host to ensure that the session is run in a fair way and that they remain aware of how team members are contributing, and respond accordingly.”

Right, so what to do? First, for employers: Adrienne suggests: “Management need to be aware that we all need regular and supportive messages from our fellow humans. Even though managers themselves will be feeling the effects of prolonged isolation, it is imperative that they have consistent and effective interactions with their reports.”

“Consider the size of the meeting,” says Neil. “A lot of people is a lot of voices and there are only ever a finite number of minutes available. Shorter meetings with less people may help ensure all persons have the opportunity to air their thoughts.”

“Remember most people need training and practice to feel comfortable talking to a group, no matter what size,” says Adrienne. “Practice what you want to say; have a couple of relevant points you can add, once you know the agenda, and make sure you say at least one of them in each interaction. Before going in a call, do a quick box breathing exercise; you can look up this practice, it is a very quick and effective means of physically relaxing your body and clearing your mind. Afterwards, get up and do something physical to release the tension!”

As for those of us worried that, because we are no longer sitting directly in front of our bosses, we may be overlooked, Neil says, “the first step to change is an awareness of the need to change, and if the current approach is not working, it is time to take ownership and devise strategies to ensure you remain present in the minds of those who matter. An action diary can often help with this where people can write down the issues that are causing them disquiet and then also record actions to combat.”

And, he emphasises, “it has never been as easy to remain visible whilst being invisible. By this I mean strengthening your profile on platforms such as Linkedin. Challenging yourself to contribute to teams in work, even when it may feel less comfortable.”

Adrienne agrees: “Even on a telephone, call we can be ‘visible’ to others. Without someone else actually being able to see us, we can leave a clear impression or imprint after a conversation.”

She recommends “saying what you need to say and following it up with a short and meaningful email or text to help to reinforce your message. Not overdoing it is important obviously, as everyone is besieged with emails, just making sure your key points are repeated in written format.

“There will always be people who talk more than others, who take up more time and who seem to find it easy to express themselves. You don’t have to be loud or excessively dominant in a group, but you do have to be persistent and determined in being heard by others.”

There is another cost to remote working, however, and that is the network we create around ourselves in an office environment.

And ‘network,’ of course, is simply a grand term for the web of allegiances, friendships and common goals we establish with those around us. It is a huge part of what makes working life pleasant, and indeed bearable. And very often, it is something that evolves organically.

So how do we maintain this network when we no longer get coffee or take the elevator together? “We now need to become ‘pro-active, not re-active’ in maintaining our social network,” agrees Neil. “Arranging to meet, either virtually, or in person, will be crucial. Whilst our drive is to be social, we are also very adaptable and many will have ‘normalised’ to lockdown conditions, meaning that we risk remaining withdrawn from others. Pro-active steps to re-engage on a social level will be an important step in maintaining well-being.”

And, as Adrienne points out, it is worth remembering that, “most people are, at this point, finding everything very challenging, stressful and exhausting. So it is really important to build in good habits for yourself and to get help if you feel you are not coping as well as you would like.”

‘Management need to be aware that we all need regular and supportive messages from our fellow humans’

What though if our lockdown paranoia isn’t work-related, but friends/ social life-related? Because this too is one of the consequences of recent months. Niamh Hannan, chartered psychologist and coach with mindworks.ie, says “feeling like that indicates an insecurity, an anxiety about being left out. It is a mindset of lack — seeing what others are doing, what others have — rather than what we ourselves are doing and have. Often, too, there is an inherent bias to this; do you contact all your friends when you’re doing something? Of course not, you can’t. But this paranoid mindset puts you in a victim position, in which you look to blame someone — ‘you’re doing this to me…’”

So what to do? “Name what you’re feeling. Tell yourself ‘I’ve been feeling anxious… I’ve been on my own and I’ve had too much time to think, maybe I’m prone to over-thinking anyway.’ Recognise that our thoughts are not facts. In fact, there isn’t necessarily any truth to them at all.

“Reach out. Give others the benefit of the doubt — get in touch, say ‘I’ve missed you, I feel a bit out of the loop; could we go for coffee or a walk?’ Give them the opportunity to engage with you. If there’s no come-back from that, then maybe there is an issue with the friendship, and that might need to be addressed, but the chances are, there isn’t, that your feelings aren’t based in reality, and your wise mind knows this. We need to separate from our anxious mind at times like this,” she says, “and interrogate our thoughts.”

As she points out, we all need human connection. “The phrase ‘social distancing;’ isn’t helpful. We need to physically distance, but we need social connection. So don’t withdraw, don’t isolate yourself, reach out, connect. It may feel difficult, but take that bit of risk and look to connect with friends.”