‘My brother thinks Mam prefers my kids to his’
Relationship expert Allison Keating
QI have always got on very well with my mother. I have an older brother and we both have kids now and live in the same area. Mam married again after my father died and moved to another part of the country and when she comes to visit, she prefers to stay with me. My brother is furious and says that it is affecting his kids’ relationship with their granny and that she is showing favouritism and dragging a toxic dynamic into the next generation. She does a lot of babysitting for me when she is here, but she does always visit my brother for dinner or lunch also. His wife has a big family and they do some babysitting for them, and my mum knows this, so I don’t see what his problem is. We get on great otherwise and our kids are close. He says this is part of the problem as they are starting to notice that their granny seems to be more interested in my kids but I think this is all coming from him. I feel like he is asking me to intervene but I think it is up to my mam. We are all adults now and if she prefers to stay with me that’s her decision, surely? A
Can I ask you to imagine this situation from the other way around? With your mum coming to visit you as you organise a nice lunch and or dinner and then for her to leave and to return to your brothers to stay over and maybe let them out for the evening? For your nephews and or nieces to have their granny there in the morning and to have the lovely experience of waking up in their pyjamas and having breakfast together. Family experiences are different to that of a friend or relative who just comes over for lunch. This is your mum and your brother; you are all family but not everyone’s experiences are the same.
Perhaps you are right as you say ‘I don’t see what his problem is.’ He is telling you how he feels; sibling rivalry doesn’t end at childhood. Adult sibling rivalry is often compounded by differing or preferential parenting within the siblings and this really hurts. It does put you in an awkward position, but one that if you empathis+e with your brother’s experience you may see the role you are all playing. Families are systems, but that does not make them easy to decode or change. An unfortunate fallout from parental favouritism can be with the relationship you have with your brother and that isn’t fair on either of you. Life isn’t fair though, but having some level of fairness is important as you never grow out of the need for your parents’ love, attention and admiration.
It’s a double hurt as he will feel it for himself again if he felt those needs weren’t met in his childhood until present day and it’s a double whammy for his children who may openly ask ‘why doesn’t granny stay with us?’.
Even if your sister-in-law has a big family who help with babysitting it is the experience of having their granny choose to stay with them as well that may help to see it from your brothers’ perspective.
Is there history with this; as you say, you and your mum get on very well. It sounds like you have a close relationship and good mother-daughter bond with your mum and that is lovely. In terms of history, I mean is this something your brother may have been aware of for a long time. His choice of words ‘dragging a toxic dynamic into the next generation’ in terms of open favouritism says it all. He has felt this for a long time, this old wound is being re-poked through knowing his children can see it as well.
If I put the concept of a triangle out for a moment, can you see how the relationship does involve three people. Or at least that three may be feeling very like a crowd. This sense of rejection for your brother of your mum choosing you over him is something your mum needs to be aware of. A lot of times in families, they don’t intentionally mean to hurt each other and are unaware of the impact it is having.
Or sometimes the status quo of relationships, especially with open favouritism, is clear for everyone to see and it can be even more hurtful that there is a preferred child. I know there can be parental favouritism, this is not the issue, what is, is the openness of it that leaves no one in any doubt as to who is the favourite.
The good thing here is, instead of your brother being passively aggressive or just becoming more detached from you and your mum, he is being clear and direct about what he sees as a problem now and that he knows will only get worse with time.
From a strengths perspective, this is a great opportunity to heal and redress unresolved and hurt feelings and to build new connections individually and together as a family. Have you ever spoken to your mum about this? Have you asked your brother what he is going to do about this? As you are right, it’s not for you to fix, but you can call out behaviour that you now know is causing pain.
How did your brother get on with your dad? Did they have a close bond? If your bond has always been close with your mum, perhaps this wasn’t as clear to your brother when your dad was alive, if he had an ally in his dad.
Grief changes family dynamics so much, not excluding the father-son relationship, your mum moving away and remarrying will have had some influence as well. In realising what relationships are gone through your father’s passing, change on top of that can bring painful clarity and successive loss.
These conversations and finding the right words are tough. In terms of guidance, have opening discussions where people are there to listen. Listening especially with entrenched family cultures and dynamics can be like going against a brick wall. Framing conversations in a constructive way with the primary intent of building and healing can create safety where raw vulnerability lies.
‘Adult sibling rivalry is often compounded by differing or preferential parenting within the siblings’