Irish mothers who went public over grief of losing a child
Losing a child is traumatic and for some, being open about their pain can bring some comfort, writes Chrissie Russell. However, as three Irish mums know only too well, some people are quick to criticise
When American model Chrissy Teigen made a heart-breaking post online, revealing that she and husband John Legend had lost their baby after pregnancy complications, many people reacted with compassion. But others were quick to criticise the grieving mum, berating her in particular for posting images that they deemed ‘attentionseeking’ and ‘inappropriate’, with one person stating: “Not everyone cares to hear about a heart-breaking moment in your life”. It was a stark example of how, while most are fine with social media being used a platform to share good news, moments of pain — particularly when they are related to infant loss — are still deemed unpalatable for public consumption.
Dublin mum-of-two Sinéad Hingston is one of many people determined to challenge this outdated attitude. She’s passionate in the belief that sharing stories of personal loss on public platforms, like Instagram and Twitter, can not only be useful and supportive but also help break the ongoing stigma and silence that exists around infant loss.
In August this year, Sinéad went online from her own hospital bed to share the devastating news that she’d suffered her second miscarriage in four months. Particularly with Covid-19 restrictions meaning her husband, Michael, couldn’t be with her when she was told their baby’s heart had stopped beating, she found engaging with her online Instagram following of some 5,400 people a hugely supportive experience.
Her attitude is: If I’m happy to share the happy moments in life (births, weddings) why not the bad? It’s a philosophy she’s held for a long time. Nine years ago, Sinéad was suddenly widowed and strongly believes that sharing her journey through grief online has helped her and others.
The messages posted on her Instagram reflect this. All the comments are messages of support and gratitude. “Thank you for sharing your story,” writes one simply.
Unlike mum-of-two Chrissy Teigen, Sinéad has happily never received any negativity comments on her content, but she knows her raw honesty isn’t to everyone’s taste. Some family members have voiced concern and occasionally her follower count dips when she posts about loss. It doesn’t deter her. “This is real life,” says Sinéad. “This is what happens. There’s no point following me if you don’t like what I’m posting.”
After giving birth to a healthy
son in 2016, Jenny Cooper went on to have four unexplained miscarriages. When the Galway mum got pregnant for a sixth time, she was terrified, then cautiously optimistic as her due date came closer and closer and the baby was healthy and active in the womb.
The day before 38 weeks gestation, Jenny felt something was wrong. She went to the hospital where a scan revealed her baby’s heart had stopped. After enduring a short but traumatic birth, she had a chance to hold her baby, Georgia, in her arms. “She was perfect,” says Jenny. “Nothing was visibly wrong with her or the placenta cord. She looked like she was sleeping. We still don’t know why she died.”
Jenny shared an image of this precious moment on her Instagram page and has written powerfully online about her grief. “I shared different parts of my pregnancy online, more so towards the end when I was feeling more confident,” she explains. “If she had been born alive, I’d have introduced her to the world. I thought ‘why is it any different because she died?’ She was here, she was alive. It was important to me that people know her and her name, to encourage people to say her name and simply ask that she never be forgotten.” She’s grateful to have had a bereavement midwife present and the help of the charity Feileacain to have photos and keepsakes of Georgia.
“Photos and memories are all I have now. If I can’t share them, what can I do?” says Jenny. “If sharing her life and my grief online can raise awareness for baby loss and show some people what not to say to grieving parents then it’s worth it, and not just for me.”
The reaction she’s had to her social media presence has been full of love and kindness. But the stories shared with her in private messages and comments are often from people who have felt unable to talk to anyone else about their babies who have died.
Jenny feels it’s crucial to challenge this culture of silence, though acknowledges that it’s not always easy to do, especially online.
“Sometimes I feel sick when I hit ‘share’ because it’s so raw and vulnerable,” she says. “It’s allowing people to see into a deep part of me and my life like never before. Sometimes I feel relief to get those feelings out of my body and into the world. I hope it will help people understand what I’m going through.”
She adds: “A part of me was also fearful of criticism, for posting some pictures in particular. A few times, I felt I had to justify why I had them at all.”
It’s a feeling that Amy Dutil-Wall can relate to. In March 2017, her daughter Estlin Luna Wall was fatally injured in a road crash and died just a few days shy of her fourth birthday. Amy has shared deeply intimate insights into that loss, and its impact on her and her family, on her blog, Estlin Luna, and Instagram page.
“It’s very cathartic and a release of sorts,” says Amy, from Co Clare. “It would be so false if I never spoke of her on social media because she’s on my mind always. I’d be lying constantly if I tried to hide my pain. Sharing my love and my grief is one of the best coping mechanisms I’ve found.”
She agrees that images can be the hardest to share. “The only thing I’ve ever shared that I really struggled with whether or not it was right to do so, was the picture of me holding Estlin as she passed away,” reveals Amy.
“It is so raw and heart-breaking and yes, a very private moment, the most intense moment I will ever share with her besides her birth. But in sharing these types of photos, photos of still-birth, of funerals, of sobbing in our children’s empty rooms, these capture our reality even more than any words possibly could.”
She admires Teigen for having the honesty to publicly post such moments of raw pain. “This will mostly likely be the hardest thing she will ever go through, and how inauthentic would it be not to share it?” says Amy. “That was her baby, who she loved very much, they called him Jack, he existed, was wanted and adored. Any mother must understand how hard it would be to hide all that for the sake of making it easier on people.”
“There are many topics that people can’t bear to see shared publicly, but the death of someone’s baby cannot be one of them,” agrees Jenny.
She has a message for those who would criticise anyone for posting online about infant loss. “Take a look at what you’re feeling when you see something online that bothers you, ask yourself if it really affects you personally? If so, why? Is it harming you? Does it really make a difference? No. So just keep scrolling. If what you want to say is not kind, then don’t say it,” she says.
“When an adult dies, we have memories of their life to talk about, when a baby dies before they take their first breath, photos are all we have. The love for them, the ‘should have beens’ and the grief is all we have to share. How anyone can sit behind their screens and criticise that is mad to me.”
‘If Georgia had been born alive, I’d have introduced her to the world. I thought, why is it any different because she died? She was here, she was alive. It was important to me that people know her and her name’