Ask the therapist
‘My daughter is eight and her friend is nine and she is telling her all about puberty and periods. Should I say something to her mother?’ Psychologist Allison Keating answers your questions
QI am a bit concerned about the influence that one of my daughter’s friends has on her. She seems like a nice kid. She is a straight talker — as is her mum. The thing is that she is telling my daughter all about puberty and periods and probably a lot more.
My girl is eight and the other girl is nine and she does look like she could be pretty close to puberty, so I can see why her mum is having those conversations. The thing is that I would like to have a bit more control over that conversation with my own daughter. Should I say something to the mother? Or am I being unrealistic in my expectation of controlling the conversation now?
AIs your daughter telling you about these conversations that she has been having with her friend? If so, this is really good, as she trusts you. A lot of other young girls would be far too embarrassed to share any of this with their mum, so it’s a great sign that she is coming to you with what is a very vulnerable conversation. It is also a good sign that she knows she can turn to you. This is often built upon you tuning in and actively listening and being emotionally responsive to her smaller worries.
The importance of this is pivotal to her knowing she can open up harder, more challenging and embarrassing talks and chats without being dismissed, minimised or simply not heard.
Something that is essential to a good mother-daughter connection as an adult, is to remember what it was like being an eight-year-old girl. Listening empathetically is the key. We talk when we know we will be listened to.
What is this bringing up for you? Which part is making you uncomfortable? Gently ask yourself this question: How were puberty, periods and sex spoken about at home when you were a child? Did you have ‘the talk’? You wouldn’t be unusual if this talk never happened.
If sex, periods and physical and emotional development weren’t up for discussion, check in with what unconscious messages and beliefs you received about them. There can be a lot of shame with our bodies. The message we receive, even now, about periods, is that we shouldn’t talk about them. This could be an opportunity to teach your daughter that she has autonomy over her body and to talk about subjects like periods is her right, whether or not it is deemed socially acceptable.
Your daughter’s friend and the conversations they are having right now are a really important rite of passage. Should you talk to the mum? It depends on whether or not you feel comfortable.
You have to figure out what you can control, and as you know, you can’t control other people. It could be nice from a support point of view to chat with the other mum. In a way it’s a continuation of the intimate connection women can have when they discuss what it is like to be a girl and a woman and it could be really good for you both.
Having ‘the talk’ is such a special moment to share together, but it isn’t a once-off and you haven’t missed out because she heard about periods and puberty somewhere else first.
What would you like her to know? How would you like to present this information? Books can be a great way to sit side by side and work through this without the initial awkwardness of a direct face-to-face conversation. Or going for a walk is a nice way to have a private chat that feels safe. You can bring ease into the conversation by saying something like: ‘I’m sure this feels uncomfortable for you, and that’s OK and really normal. I’m so glad you came to me and I will always be here for any questions you have. No question is too small or silly, thank you for telling me, I’m really glad you did.’
Be guided by her response and to take your cues from her body language of when to keep going and when to pull back. You know your daughter, take it slowly, and listen to your instincts.
You can continue to nurture a great relationship with your daughter, whereby she comes to you with her questions, as you are the best place for her to get the right answers.
This is the beginning of an ongoing, reassuring process that will change and evolve and that may feel overwhelming for everyone at times.
The hormonal aspect of adolescence will bring a lot of highs and lows and questions of social, emotional and physical comparisons and that will repeatedly beg the question ‘am I normal?’ You are her anchor, her safe place to bring these worries and fears to, and remember to mind yourself as well.
‘Having ‘the talk’ is such a special moment to share together, but it isn’t a once-off and you haven’t missed out because she heard about periods and puberty somewhere else first’