Back to school: How to prepare your kids for a return to social interaction
After months of no school and no friends, children might be anxious about the return to the classroom. But there are ways to build up their social skills in preparation,
No sports clubs. No music class. No playgrounds. No friends. It’s not just school that the children of lockdown are missing, it’s the dayto-day interactions and incidental conversations that teach social literacy. And whilst many children are clearly impatient to get back to the seomra ranga, others may feel anxious about returning to the exuberance of a classroom after the cocoon of the home.
So, what has been the lockdown effect on the softer but no less essential social skills? And how can you help?
Food writer Caitriona Redmond and her husband, John, have two children, Eoin (12) and Fionn (9). They live in north Dublin where the boys usually attend Gaelscoil and enjoy an assortment of extracurricular activities, from park runs to ukulele classes.
Just not since D ecember.
“They’ve really struggled socially, not seeing their friends, their family,” Caitriona says. “My brother-in-law lives next door and my sister lives three doors down. But the kids can’t play together. They don’t even see their cousins unless they pass each other on a walk.
“That’s challenging. For them, from a social point of view, we’re very concerned how it’s going to pan out when they go back to school.”
Extended lockdowns, it seems, would strain even the most devoted filial bonds.
“At times it’s been a bit like the Peaky Blinders meme where Cillian Murphy is saying to the boys, ‘No fighting’, ‘No fighting’, ‘No fighting’. I have to separate them out. They are the best of friends, but the worst of enemies. I keep thinking, ‘How are they going to deal with conflict?’ They’re brothers and boys and no matter how much I try to stop it, they’re going to end up tormenting each other. I have to put them in separate rooms — we’re lucky in that they have separate bedrooms anyway.”
Caitriona felt there was more meeting friends online for Fortnite or Rocket League during the first lockdown.
This time, she says, additional teaching and online classes have helped to compensate.
“We’re a household with additional needs, but we have, on average, three Zooms a day, either a one-to-one with a learning support teacher, a class lesson or an assembly.”
In recent weeks, she says, her elder son has been attending a series of Zoom workshops run by the local Foróige.
“He’s been doing tech for teens, building beats — which shows them how to make music — and a HIIT class. That’s been excellent.”
Even where there are more siblings to play with, irreconcilable differences can emerge, as has been the case in Kellie Kearney’s D ublin home. She and her partner have five children, ranging in age from one to 10. Kellie is a social media manager and runs the @mylittlebabog Instagram.
“It’s a busy household. Kasey and Kenzie, the four- and five-year-old, are best buds. Frankie (6), is the only boy so he feels like he’s stuck on his tod. Everybody wants to play dolls and Barbies and do makeup and fashion shows. He wants to play cars, he wants to play action figures. So he’s very isolated. He needs boy interaction.”
To ease the restlessness, Kellie has relaxed the parameters for screentime.
“Until March we had imposed a time restriction on their iPads to 20 minutes or half an hour, but since then, it’s all been lifted. It’s hard to admit it, now it’s a bit of a free-for-all.”
Both families, however, report unexpected positives.
In the Redmonds, Caitriona’s husband, John, who is a furloughed bus driver, has had more time to spend with his sons. During the midterm they spent every day together at the family’s allotment.
“His hours as a bus driver are long. Normally in winter he would leave when it’s dark and not come home until it was dark.
“But every day during the midterm he has been down there with the kids for at least four hours, so it’s been amazing to see the relationship he’s built with them.”
Meanwhile, many of the Kearneys’ extended family work in health or social care settings, so have completed their vaccination schedule.
In Kayla (10), this has prompted a frenzy of scientific enquiry.
“Kayla’s written down who’s had what vaccine and the percentage efficacy of each. She says, ‘This person has had the Pfizer vaccine and that person has had the Oxford vaccine so that person is X percent more protected.’ Now she’s saying that she wants to be a nurse. She’s totally fascinated by Luke O’Neill from Trinity. She has his book. She says, ‘He talks a lot of sense’.”
HOW TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION AND SOCIALISATION SKILLS
“Social interactions are important parts of development through childhood and that’s not available at the moment, but the thing is, children are resilient and adaptable,” notes D r Vincent McD arby, Clinical Psychologist and Psychological Society of Ireland President Elect. “They learn from parents, they learn from siblings and they even learn from technology. It’s important for parents not to catastrophise or panic. There’s no evidence that a few months of social distance is going to have any long-term negative impact on a child’s development.”
However, if you are concerned about children withdrawing or becoming anxious, here’s some professional advice on how to help.
● PRE-SCHOOL
“There are things parents can do to encourage the development of children socially,” says McDarby, “like discussing emotions with them, as younger children may not yet have the words. It’s helping to identify the labels. A good time is when you’re reading stories to ask, ‘What does this child feel or what does this character feel?’ This can be on TV, Netflix or YouTube.”
Karen O’Connor, lecturer in play therapy at MTU (formerly CIT), says that it may be difficult with smaller children who have “acted like every day is Christmas” in lockdown. She suggests returning to a structure now.
“Start implementing bedtimes, and getting up at a normal time. Arrange meals for the same time so that the day is more normalised for them before going back. Mentally that will help prepare them.”
She also says that it’s fine to fall back on technology, even with smaller children.
“Let them play a game, or discover something new because it helps to build their world and gives them some news.”
● PRIMARY SCHOOL
Some social interaction is missing, but children are accessing it elsewhere, says McD arby.
“Normal interactions outside the home may be limited but that’s created opportunities for other meaningful interactions with the family. Children are learning wherever they may be and whoever they may be with, so it’s important for parents to focus on the benefits children are getting from spending time with them.”
But it’s good to start normalising more independent behaviours.
“Things like tying their own shoelaces or clearing up the dishes after a meal. That builds confidence and self-worth. If there are people calling to the door — even the postman — get the children to engage and make a bit of conversation. Encourage that level of social interaction and engage them in conversation yourself, even the small ones. That will help when they return to school.”
O’Connor says parents should be aware that for some children school is a stressor.
“They might not be the cleverest in class and children are always being comparative. They might be the child not finishing their work on time in class, whereas when they’re at home, nobody knows when they’re finishing.
“If they find peer-to-peer interaction difficult, if they have trouble making friends, they may have a bit more separation anxiety when it comes to going back.”
She advises to start talking to children about what they’re looking forward to in the schoolday, to remind them about meeting their friends and the fun activities to blunt any worries.
TEENAGERS
It’s normal to worry about teenagers whose world might be considerably smaller now, says McDarby.
“Think about children going back after the summer holidays, in some ways that’s a good comparison. Some may not have spoken to school friends much over the summer. Some may be a little nervous that they’ve missed out. Children tend to settle back in after these periods extremely well.
“Teenagers who are frustrated with being unable to see friends can learn from their parents how to deal with stressful situations,” says O’Connor. “It’s good to remind teenagers that, ‘Okay sometimes we all lose our temper’. And show them how to deal with that — go for a walk outside, even around the house. Take some exercise. Parents role model coping for their children so now is a good time to learn that skill.”