Ask Allison
‘My elderly mother-in-law wants to move into our new home’
QI am a woman in my 60s and started seeing a man of similar age a few years ago. We have since moved in together and get along very well. He is lovely in every way, a true gentleman.
We have decided to purchase a house together and relocate to a different county, which is causing a few issues with his elderly mother.
As there is plenty of room in the new house, she has suggested relocating with us and moving in there. I feel this is unfair as she needs care and daily assistance. Myself and my partner haven’t had easy lives and I feel this is our time to have some space to ourselves and enjoy life. If we are tied down on a daily basis this will impact days out, weekends away and holidays.
My partner has full responsibility for his mother. I want to be fair and to support him as much as I can but I also need to start living my life after years of working. A This situation is so tough on you, your partner and his mother. You do not have to figure this out by yourself as it impacts you all. I am so glad you found a relationship with a lovely man and I hear you when you say you’ve both had struggles in your life and this felt like your new start.
It can feel frustrating to work so hard and to feel a well-earned easier life is on the horizon, but as your partner has full responsibility for his mum, no matter where you are that isn’t going to change. This must be making you all feel a bit stuck. When you feel stuck the best option is to look at all the options and work out the one that is the best fit, which may not be the perfect fit but as you know only too well, life is not perfect. Begin by asking, what could work well?
When you made the decision to move to another county, did you discuss what would happen with your partner’s mum? If this has not happened yet and she is the one who has come back with the suggestion to move in with you both — which may be one option — give yourself some space to work out what you feel would be a good fit for you all.
Firstly, what relationship do you have with his mum? What relationship does your partner have with his mum? What are her care needs? What are the best options in terms of physical and emotional care?
Take some time to identify the difficulties you have had in your life. Write out and acknowledge the ones that stand out for you. It can be helpful to do a timeline as you remember different periods, context from differing roles as parents or working.
Validate each core memory. Note what emotions are present. Is there any anger, grief, sadness or a sense of frustration, struggle, or continued strife? From these feelings, are there any feelings of unfairness? A sense of ‘why me’ or ‘why has life been so hard for me?’
The truth is, life is hard and I have seen how life can be particularly hard for some people who get an almighty unfair share of hardship and difficulty. And even though you survive it, never mind the unsympathetic ‘it will only make you stronger’ stuff — ongoing hardship throughout the course of your life is like erosion and can wear you down.
I hear you and I am sorry that you’ve had a tough time of it. What I hear from your words is a sense of feeling deflated and disappointed. You felt it was your time and you may feel this is about to be taken away from you.
Tending to your emotional needs first will give you the space and healing time needed to talk with your partner about what choices and options you can both explore.
What does your partner think about his mum living in the annex? How would you feel about her living with you? List out any worries or concerns such as the lack of freedom. Don’t avoid important yet difficult conversations. The time to be honest is now, not when decisions are made and then grievances or resentments are reared.
At a practical level, when you sit down to talk with your partner identify and write out what his mum’s needs are.
‘Looking at options from nursing homes to help within the home are things that could be considered’
Break it down into daily, weekly and monthly needs and look at weekends and night-time care. Burnout for care givers who mind elderly parents is very high.
My sense from you is that you already feel tired. Both of your energy levels physically, mentally and emotionally need to be added to the conversation. How much care can you give without harming your own health?
Understanding care needs is particularly hard when care and duty combine. Compassionate care that meets everyone’s needs is the way to become unstuck.
Looking at options from nursing homes to help within the home are things that could be considered.
It can be helpful to state that you are both on the same side, this is such a positive and supportive aspect of being in a relationship.
You might not agree on everything but understanding everyone’s needs and concerns will really be helpful in making a choice and decision that will sit comfortably now and in the future.
Frame it by asking, what do you need? What does your partner need? What will work for your partner’s mother?
These are the over-arching questions to help find a practical and compassionate care solution.
If you have a query, email Allison in confidence at allisonk@independent.ie