If Harris wants to entice our youth home, he needs more than a bag of Tayto for bait

Oh, to have the power of youth behind you. At 37 years old Simon Harris is the youngest taoiseach in the history of the State. As he writes his first chapter as leader, he will be hoping that his freshness will bode well with blooming citizens and a new cohort of Irish voters. He appears to be one step ahead as Harris is a man of social media; a TikTok aficionado, if you will. He has 98,000 followers on the app and one of his first interviews as taoiseach-elect became a trending sound. It took pride of place in videos promoting the drinking of Jagerbombs to keep the energy high on a night out.

It sounds like a winning scenario for Harris. Unfortunately, he’s already dealing with a major roadblock. In reality, there aren’t a lot of young people left here. Most are in Australia, living a great life and pontificating about how much better the lifestyle is on social media. The ones stranded on this island already have one foot out the door.

Of all his challenges as leader of this country, his greatest will be convincing people to return. Yes, our emigrants miss their families and the Tayto, but there isn’t enough substance to anchor them here. Good pints of Guinness won’t secure a house and while a hug from your mother will soothe your heartache, she can’t pay your way in Dublin city as you work in a middling, low-paying job. So, what can Harris do to entice them back? Well, I have five ideas.

Let us at least live in a house

I don’t know who invented houses, but whoever that guy was, someone buy him a drink. Not only do they keep you warm and safe, they also provide you with autonomy and control.

Our Government doesn’t really believe in this, though. In their minds, houses are a way to make money, but the cash will never land in the hands of you or I. No, we’re actually silly little fools for even thinking we have a right to inhabit one.

For Harris, he must address this swiftly if anyone under the age of 40 is to circle back. Our inability to access affordable housing is the main reason people flee our shores in the first place. The Government knows what the issue is, now it’s time to tackle it. And if they won’t let us own a home, at least let us pay rent at a price that doesn’t send us into a spiral of crushing terror.

Put a nightclub in every town

For a country renowned for its ability to drink, be merry and have a good time, our nightlife is dire. There are only around 85 nightclubs open in Ireland currently.

How is a person expected to find ‘the shift’ in a small town when there isn’t even a place to congregate in dark corners away from the prying eyes of your neighbours?

A good night-time economy means more happy young souls. So please, Mr Harris, give them somewhere to dance.

Place a quota on men with guitars

Controversial opinion? Yes. But am I entirely right? Yes. Look, we have too many men with guitars. You can’t frequent a pub in any of the four provinces without being forced to listen to them. There’s no doubt they’re talented and trying to make a living, but can we take a month off at least? I truly believe if Harris implemented this, there’d be a surge in returnees.

Often I wonder if the reason so many of my peers abandoned ship is because they couldn’t listen to another man with a guitar sing one of this country’s most heartbreaking ballads in the form of Grace and then immediately announce: “And now lads, I’ll sing ye a Westlife medley.”

Make the Luas free

A brilliant viral disinformation campaign started in 2021 by journalist Carl Kinsella; the ‘Luas is free’ myth has grown legs since and often reappears online to the confusion of many. However, to make the Luas actually free would be the crowning glory of Harris.

Not only would he delight regular commuters, but it would be a great PR move. It would look like politicians were actually listening to young people and not sitting in Leinster House pulling ideas out of their backsides.

Balance pay with the cost of living

As a nation we always thought the weather was the most cruel aspect of living in Ireland, but now it’s the sheer cost of existing.

One breath in will cost you €1 and one breath out will set you back €2 because of the carbon tax. Then we aren’t paid near enough to live a good life here. Most of your pay packet is spent on simply staying alive with nothing left to play with. It’s no wonder all the youth have escaped and our Taoiseach is trying to reel them back in.

Unfortunately, for Mr Harris, this simply won’t work. It’s time for him to change his strategy.

Not only do houses keep you safe and warm, they also provide you with autonomy and control. Our Government doesn’t really believe in this, though