My mum is besotted with her new boyfriend but my gut says he is a gold digger. What should I do?
QMy mum and dad split up over five years ago. They’re in their late 50s/early 60s. My dad got into a relationship fairly soon after but my mum never met anyone until recently.
She and this man have been together for about eight months now and it is moving way too fast for my liking. He’s practically moved into our family home where she lives alone, and I’ve never seen him put his hand into his pocket for anything. He is newly separated and describes himself as an ‘entrepreneur’ but he hardly works. I think he’s just looking for somewhere to live after his wife kicked him out.
My mum is head over heels but I think she’s vulnerable. She acts like a little girl around him. It’s almost like she’s been brainwashed. I do not trust this man and I’m concerned that he is a gold digger. Unfortunately, I have no evidence to hang it on. It’s just my gut instinct. What should I do?
AIt’s frustrating to see someone you love being taken advantage of. The instinct is to intervene but the truth is that interfering in other people’s relationships rarely, if ever, goes well.
This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t trust your gut instinct, notes psychotherapist Maxine Walsh of Adhara Counselling. Rather, you should be careful about acting on it.
“Your gut instinct tells you that your mum’s new partner is not a good guy. You’re entitled to that opinion and I would say trust your gut: you could be right.
“But she is an adult and there is nothing you can do here. What I would say is don’t cut ties with her, and monitor the situation. It sounds like she’s happy, that she’s having a great time with this guy. If there’s a lesson she’s going to learn here, I think she’s going to have to learn that lesson herself.”
I also shared your dilemma with author and midlife coach Alana Kirk, who can see both points of view. “I really understand your concern that your mum may be being exploited in some way, and I also wonder why her being giddy with new-found love after perhaps years of feeling unloved seems problematic. ‘Acting like a little girl’ may be just what she needs after years of being a wife and mother.
“You admit to having no evidence... perhaps you can seek that evidence by gently asking her if he is paying for his share of things? Then you can take a middle ground where you can show your support for her new adventure into love, but also your concern that she may not be thinking with her head.”
Kirk suggests a “loving and supportive conversation” with her “that shows you are happy for her, while outlining your concerns.
“You may find that a common scenario with divorce [is] that men live in rented accommodation while the woman stays in the family home, and they are merely choosing to spend their time together in the more comfortable place,” she says. “Either way, it’s always best to proceed with facts rather than theories.”
It’s also important to consider your own feelings towards your parents’ separation, says Corkbased psychotherapist Tom Evans of selfcare.ie. “I’m left wondering what’s happening for you in all of this,” he says. “You sound raw in it all. How much of your parents’ breakup have you processed? What was it like to see your dad enter a new relationship so soon after he and your mum separated? That’s exactly what this new man is doing.
“I’m curious that you see your mum as the vulnerable one, as I’m hearing your vulnerability and loss in this letter,” he adds. “I wonder what it’s been like for you seeing your mum home alone these past five years, seeing your dad fall into a new relationship so soon, seeing their relationship broken, and your home broken from how you used to know it. While I hear you describe your mum’s behaviour as that of a ‘little girl’, I’m wondering if there’s also, understandably, a hurting little girl behind this letter.”
Evans advises you to start a series of conversations with your mum, her new partner and with your own therapist. “I would suggest you have some sessions with your own therapist one-to-one at first, where you might uncover what hasn’t yet healed for you around your parents’ breakup.”
Instead of jumping to make a judgment, he suggests that you ask your mum some clarifying questions. “Inquire as to the circumstances of the breakup in this new man’s marriage. Did his wife ‘kick him out’? What kind of character is he truly? Maybe you should get to know him more and ask him about his life up until now.”
But as with all difficult conversations, a gentle approach is key, says psychotherapist Amy Plant (@ thedaily.therapist), who advises you to avoid destructive criticism and keep lines of communication open.
“If someone is with someone who is bad news, you still want them to be able to talk to you,” she says. “If you’re too critical, they’ll distance themselves, and if things go wrong, they’ll conceal it.”