How can I get away from my toxic friends? There’s too much bitching and I dread seeing them
QI’ve been friends with my girl group since primary school. We’re all in our thirties now and we still do everything together. The thing is, it’s beginning to feel more like an obligation. We have a lot of history but not much in common. There’s lots of bitching and it feels like we don’t truly have each other’s backs.
I got a new job recently — it’s a role I’ve wanted for a long time — and it feels like they’re jealous of me rather than happy for me. A couple of weeks ago we went on a weekend break and the group split into factions with everyone bitching about each other. I feel like I have to keep my guard up with them and I’m beginning to dread the next big event. It’s a toxic group and I want to separate from them but I don’t have anyone else to socialise with and I’m also frightened of the consequences and a big showdown. What should I do? A
I shared your dilemma with three experts, who all noted how common it is for school-age friendships to fade out when we get older.
“There is no law that says we are supposed to stay friends with the people we grew up with into our thirties,” says psychotherapist Maxine Walsh of Adhara Counselling. “And very often, for whatever reason, we grow apart from the people we knew in our childhood or teens because we have different life experiences.”
After reading your letter, Walsh says it’s clear that you are “very fed up”. She notes that you’re not looking for solutions to get the friendship back on track, rather that you’ve decided you want to completely extricate yourself from this group and its toxicity.
“It sounds like there is a negative element to this group of friends and quite immature bitching and backstabbing going on, which can be exhausting. That should be something we leave in our teens but, unfortunately, there are a lot of people who carry on with that very negative engagement with their friends into their thirties and forties.”
It suggests a lack of self-development in your group, she adds. “If someone is gossiping or bitching behind someone’s back, you can guarantee they are very insecure about themselves. It sounds like there are a lot of insecure girls in this friend group and maybe the letter writer has done work on herself and isn’t in an insecure place and this backstabbing and gossiping is exhausting and draining her. She doesn’t want to be around it and I don’t blame her.”
At the same time, Walsh cautions against throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Are your options here really only to stay fully ensconced in this friendship group or to face a “showdown”, she wonders.
“You can dip your toe into the waters of finding new friends who are more on your wavelength, while still keeping in touch with your lifelong friends,” she says. “You don’t have to burn any bridges because I’m sure there’s a lot of history and memories and good times. It doesn’t have to be a scorched earth ‘I’m never speaking to you again’ approach. They might cop on to themselves, you never know.”
I also shared your dilemma with psychotherapist Amy Plant (@thedaily.therapist), who notes that people often find themselves in friendship groups with which they are incompatible because they “fear having to cultivate new friendships in adulthood”. “Do you want to continue giving resource and energy to relationships that you know you are not compatible with out of fear of being alone?” she asks.
Plant agrees that it can seem daunting to make new friends in adulthood, but she encourages you to look for outlets where you can meet like-minded people. You say you have nobody else to socialise with. But that’s not entirely true. You have nobody else to socialise with yet.
“Seek out people you are more compatible with through outlets like sports clubs, hiking groups and meet-up groups,” suggests Plant. “The dating app Bumble even has a friendship setting and I know people who have had success with it.”
As for your current friendship group, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, she says. “If you don’t want to participate in activities with them, you’re not obliged to. You can just let it fizzle out. Relationships do that all the time.”
If you’re not a naturally outgoing person and you’re still nervous about making new friends, Liam Burke, the co-founder of BFFinder, suggests that you try flexing your social muscles in day-to-day interactions, whether it’s through striking up conversation in a coffee shop queue or engaging with a fellow dog-walker. He admits that he’s not the most outgoing person himself but after years or trial and error, he has discovered that “making new friends is all about effort”.