Men need help, not hatred, if we are to finally win the fight against misogyny

Over the last few weeks there has been a national conversation on misogyny happening in Australia. It started with the death of Samantha Murphy, a 51-year-old mother of three who never returned home from a jog on a Sunday morning in February. Her body has not been found, but a 22-yearold man has been charged with murder.

Two weeks later, Rebecca Young (42) was killed by her partner, who then killed himself.

Then last month, 23-year-old Hannah McGuire’s body was found inside a burned-out car. The following day, a man in Sydney walked into a shopping centre and murdered six people, five of them women. Based on video footage of the attack, New South Wales police commissioner Karen Webb said: “It’s obvious to me… that the offender had focused on women.”

So far this year, 28 women in Australia have been violently killed. Tens of thousands of people have marched across the country, calling for gender-based violence to be declared a national emergency. Watching from Ireland, it’s been heartening to see people taking action. The TikTok algorithm has served up countless videos of radio show phone-ins in which men and women discuss the problem and how best to get to the bottom of it.

On Australia’s Hit network, an afternoon radio show hosted by Carrie Bickmore and Tommy Little went viral when Tommy read Carrie’s thoughts on violence aloud on the show.

“Us women have been talking about this for years and no one seems to be listening, so I wondered whether it’s time for you guys to stand up and speak up, and speak loudly,” she said.

“I think sometimes men don’t think about what it’s like to walk in the shoes of a woman, so I thought if you read the thoughts that I’ve written down it might mean that people will listen.”

Tommy nearly made it through without crying but broke towards the end when he had to say “every four days a woman in Australia is violently killed”.

Carrie’s words could have been written by any woman I know. We’re not currently having this conversation but we have had it before.

We had it after Ashling Murphy was killed in similar circumstances to Samantha Murphy. We had it around the #Metoo campaign. We had it when the #YesAllWomen campaign kicked off on Twitter a decade ago.

Women in Ireland have also, repeatedly, shared their experience of violence and harassment at the hands of men, over and over again.

Unfortunately, not much has changed. I do a weekly news recap episode for my podcast, in preparation for which I go over the week’s news reports. I am struck by the volume of incidents related to male violence and harassment.

The victims aren’t always women. Sometimes they’re children, or other men, but what’s consistent is that the violence is perpetrated by men.

On TheJournal.ie’s newsfeed on May 13, these three headlines appeared one after the other over the course of an hour: “Man who raped woman while she was asleep in her family home jailed for six years”, “Man arrested after woman is seriously injured in Dublin assault”, “Security guard who sexually assaulted teen girl after she shoplifted from Penneys is jailed”.

That was one hour, on one day. When I read these stories, I am struck by how frequently we discuss these type of incidents and the culture of gender-based violence as a problem for women, rather than asking what is going on with men that they are doing these horrific things.

Surely, no happy and satisfied person spends their life raping, assaulting and harassing people? I’m not interested in making excuses, but clearly some men need help.

One case which was reported on this week was of Mary Coughlan, a woman who nearly died when her son beat and repeatedly stabbed her during a psychotic episode. Gearóid Coughlan, who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, has been sentenced to 10 years in prison.

Outside court, his mother said: “Unfortunately the mental health services in Ireland are inadequate to care for complex mental illnesses in the community.”

Of course, the Coughlan family’s tragic experience is extreme. But as thousands in Ireland and abroad took part in Darkness Into Light, for Pieta, last weekend, I was struck by how many of us have been affected by mental health issues, whether in our own lives or within our families.

I was also struck by how many politicians posted messages of support for the event, given the fact that mental health services in Ireland continue to struggle based on a lack of funding.

It would be easy to write off perpetrators of violence as “bad men”, but human life is so much more complicated than that.

What if, instead of dealing with the aftermath of violence, we invested in people’s mental health and general wellbeing? What if we tried to raise happy, fulfilled individuals? What if we leaned into each person’s potential to be good?

Through my writing and speaking about gender-based violence, I’ve frequently been labelled a man-hater. In fact, I am the opposite.

Yes, women deserve better, but so do men. We all benefit from a happy, healthy society, so it’s time to invest in one, from mental health services to giving people hope for a successful life and access to basic needs. If misery breeds violence, let’s make it harder to be miserable.

‘Yes, women deserve better but so do men. We all benefit from a happy, healthy society, so it is time to invest in one, from mental health services to giving people hope’