‘I obsessed over covering it up’ – PJ Gallagher on his mental health battle

Comedian PJ Gallagher has told how making a documentary about mental health is the “hardest thing” he has ever worked on, requiring him to get personal about his own difficulties.

The broadcaster and comedian said he is “nervous” for the programme to air on RTÉ this evening, describing it as “the sort of one where, when it comes out, you really have nowhere to hide”.

The programme, PJ Gallagher: Changing My Mind, explores mental health in Ireland – and his first-hand experiences.

He spent almost three months in St Patrick’s mental health facility in Dublin two years ago and has described the stay as life-saving after struggling with depression to the point of becoming suicidal.

The comedian told the country about where he had been in an interview on the Late Late Show, admitting it was “terrifying” to reveal what he had kept secret for so long.

“I was so obsessed with covering it up for so many years, even after I was well. The year after, I was still covering it up and still lying about it, still not telling anyone I was sick and still having people lie for me,” said Gallagher.

“I disappeared off the face of the Earth for three months, never said a word to anybody and suddenly reappeared but, obviously, as a completely different person and said nothing about it.

“People were texting into the radio show, texting into Radio Nova asking what happened. It was such a weird place to be because I was still expecting everyone to sort of keep this secret that was quite obviously not a real secret, everybody knew something had happened.

“A lot of people thought I was off filming the Young Offenders but no series came out. It took us three years to make the thing then,” added Gallagher, who said then that he felt he “had” to reveal the truth.

“I genuinely thought that if I just did one interview on the Late Late, I’d never have to talk about it again. That’s how naive I was.

“I didn’t realise how big the reaction would be and to be honest, if I thought it was going to be that big I probably wouldn’t have said anything at all. I probably would have been too scared.”

He believed he was going to lose his job and those around him when he revealed the truth about his mental health difficulties.

“I thought I’d be thrown out and that nobody would want to talk to me anymore because they wouldn’t know what to say. I thought all of those things – that’s what the stigma and the illness makes you feel is going to happen,” he said.

“But the truth is, every single one of those people ended up being great supports. The ultimate thing is nobody cares – and that’s a positive thing.”

The comedian said it surprised him to learn just how many people “have exactly the same story”.

During filming, one man spontaneously opened up about having attempted suicide, telling how Pieta saved his life as he otherwise could not have afforded therapy.

The radio host is often confided in online, receiving messages from people seeking supports.

“I’m just somebody that went through something, I’m not a doctor, I’m not a psychiatrist. People were wondering where to go and suddenly they were contacting their local comedian on Instagram,” said Gallagher.

“That shows how bad things can be. If you’re going to your local comedian, that shows people really just don’t know what to do.”

Long waiting lists or the expense of accessing services worry him, with people seeking help telling him they were waiting six months to be seen.

“A lot of people don’t make it that long, they can’t hold on. It is very difficult. When I finally decided to accept I needed hospitalisation, I still had to wait nearly three weeks before they had a bed,” he said. “If someone had told me at that point that it would be six months or eight months, I honestly don’t know if I would have made it.

“It might have felt like it was too much, because you are getting so chronically ill. The longer you leave it, the worse it gets.”

He hopes the programme will reach the right people and tackle the stigma that still surrounds mental illness – and serve as the “final word” in his story for now.

“You go from being absolutely terrified to tell one person, to telling the whole country. This is probably the end of the chat for me, there comes a time where you get to the stage where you just have to get on with living your life,” said Gallagher.

“I suppose this is like my final word, I’m not a professional. I can only say ‘here’s what happened to me’ in the hope it can go to helping someone else too.”

“When I finally accepted I needed hospitalisation, I still had to wait nearly three weeks for a bed”