I’m battling cancer for 10th time... it’s hardest on my kids
When mum Emma Hannigan discovered she had the defective BRCA1 gene, she had her breasts and ovaries removed. A year on, the novelist from Co Wicklow got cancer.
The doctors didn’t need to tell me cancer was attacking me for the 10th time – I’d felt the familiar lumps, like rubber peas, in my neck and shoulder.
I’ve been battling it for 10 years. Like a cat with nine lives, I’ve been lucky. But recent treatments haven’t worked and we’re starting to run out of options.
The cancer, now in my throat, is resisting treatment for the first time. I’ve tried three different chemotherapies.
The worst part isn’t the pain, it’s that it carries so much guilt – my kids don’t remember a time when I wasn’t sick, and that’s hard to swallow.
At first I’d torture myself, thinking ‘I’m not going to be around for birthdays or Christmas’. You can’t get on that spiral.
My hopes are pinned on the oncologist saying it hasn’t spread. It has always stayed around my head and neck – never gone to my brain or organs. I’ve got rid of it every time.
Every day, at St Vincent’s Hospital, Dublin, I use a new Intensity Modulated Radiotherapy Treatment machine that combines chemotherapy and radiation.
I have to believe I’ll get better, I have done for 10 years. In fleeting moments I ranted and raved, but if I allow negative thoughts I’d be a mess.
My journey began in 2005, after finding the defective BRCA1 gene in our family. It meant I had an 85 per cent chance of getting breast cancer, 50 per cent for ovarian cancer. This was long before Angelina Jolie found she had the gene – there was little information.
I did my research and knew I wanted a mastectomy. A nurse told me, “You’re not actually sick Emma, take your time.” I ignored her and pushed for the op in 2006 – if I hadn’t I might not be here.
When they removed my breasts, the doctors found abnormal cells in the milk duct. But I felt confident as the surgery had cut my chance of cancer to five per cent.
In January 2007, I got sick. A rash left my face, torso and thighs red raw. I put on almost a stone in a week. My muscles hurt and my hands seized up – brushing my daughter’s hair was near impossible.
I was in and out of hospital but felt I was being fobbed off. In the May, I went to Blackrock Clinic, Dublin, for a second opinion. I had cancerous lumps in my neck. I was afraid – but not shocked.
I started intravenous chemotherapy, and was clear by Christmas. But the cancer, which invades my lymph nodes, returned in March 2008, October 2009, four times in 2010, and in 2011.
I had chemo and radiation treatment, with my husband Cian or my parents stepping up to help with the kids.
In 2012, cancer-free for the first time in years, I had more energy than ever.
But it returned in October 2013 at the base of my skull. This one needed 50 bouts of radiation. In 2015 it came back.
There are fewer options, but there’s a new drug and I’m riding the wave. My children get scared, but they talk to me.
Cancer isn’t my friend, but it gave me a new career. I’ve written 11 novels since it started – thinking of stories as I lie on the radiation table.
I’ve learned to live for the moment. And writing is where I vent my spleen.
As told to DAWN EMERY Emma’s memoir, All to Live For, is published by Headline and available now