I run for my life
Rachel Cullen, 39, was diagnosed as bipolar in her early 20s. She was prescribed Prozac but struggled with her mental health and drank too much. The young mum never felt in control of her life – until she started running races...
The best way to describe my condition was a feeling of endless lostness. I’d grown up with a mum who suffered from manic depression and I was diagnosed as bipolar when studying law at Hull University. The diagnosis brought a sense of relief in a way.
I tried my best to create a typical life that I thought would make me happy.
I started a legal career with a firm in Leeds then got engaged to a solicitor. I had a nice house and also a cat.
All the while it was just this kind of false happiness. I had been on Prozac continuously from the age of 21. I felt like I was being swept along.
At the same time I was drinking quite a lot.
Mixing the wine with the Prozac was like a dangerous cocktail of misery.
When an old school friend took her life months before my wedding because of mental health problems it hit me hard. She was only 26. I had no idea she was suffering and there was me with this seemingly perfect life planning a grand wedding. I felt I hadn’t been honest with her. If she had known I was on Prozac and self- medicating with wine, would that have helped her? Looking at my own mental health, I realised that exercise was the one hour of the day I looked forward to. I’d been going for runs since I was 18. A boyfriend had called me fat – I was 12 stone – so I wanted to lose weight. There was a two and a half mile loop near my mum’s home in Halifax and I’d walk and run around it a couple of times a week. I lost a couple of stone but this showed up the fact my breasts were two different sizes. So I had a breast reduction, which I kept to myself. I noticed that however horrible I felt, I would come back from a run and feel better. It became addictive. The natural endorphins, the fresh air and the feeling of freedom gave me a new life.
I realised I didn’t have to be Rachel the lawyer, Rachel the wife, I could just be me. I split from my husband after 18 months, quit law and decided to retrain as a personal trainer.
When in 2007 I got pregnant, I was terrified I’d suffer from postnatal depression.
The medication was helping me from falling down a pit of abject misery and I didn’t know if I could look after another little person. So I set myself a goal to run the London Marathon.
I needed a catalyst to throw me into motherhood and to find myself again.
Once Matilda, now seven, was born, I would run with her in a buggy or watch her as I trained on the treadmill.
So when I was stood at the race’s start, I knew the hardest part was behind me. Crossing the finish line in April 2009 was euphoric. It catapulted me into the world of running that I never dreamed I could be a part of.
Now I’ve run over 50 half marathons, eight full marathons and done more than 500 races.
It gave me the confidence to believe in my own choices again and mentally that’s a huge help.
It helped me to manage things that otherwise would have overwhelmed me.
It gave me the freedom and mental relief I needed to get off my medication after 12 years, and I even met my new husband Gav at my local running club
It’s been a 20-year physical and mental journey. Now I’ve written my memoir about how running saved me.
I haven’t outrun my demons. It never quite ends. The finish line is always moving and different challenges always crop up, but running helps me cope.
Running For My Life – How I built a better me one step at a time, by Rachel Cullen is out on Thursday, (Blink Publishing).
As told to ANTONIA PAGET
It gave me the confidence to believe in my own choices again