Cruise dares wins
Royal Caribbean’s ‘Big top of the seas’ rules the waves – with an amazing choice of entertainment options
Aflamingo soars above me on a flying trapeze, a flash of pink against cornflower blue sky. And I soar on a kangaroo, hot dog in hand, flip-flops flapping.
It may sound as if I’ve had a bit too much sun, but I’m actually riding a carousel. While watching a flamingosuited acrobat perform stunts and high dives. On a cruise ship. At sea.
Roll up, roll up – I invite you to gather round for showtime in this Big Top of the Seas. At 1,188ft Royal Caribbean’s Harmony of the Seas is longer than the Eiffel Tower is high, taller than Buckingham Palace, and hosts almost 5,500 passengers in almost 2,800 cabins.
She truly rules the waves – only her sister ship Symphony of the Seas is bigger. Curtains up for the Bionic Bar, where robots mix your cocktails with mathematical perfection.
Please give a round of applause for divers, dressed as cops, robbers – and flamingo – plunging from 55ft high boards in the Aqua Theatre. Marvel at the high wire act, otherwise known as the zipline, that sends riders racing through the skies.
Be amazed by the waiters at highend restaurant Wonderland as they hand you blank menus and a sorcerer’s paintbrush to make the words – and dinner – appear.
Step right up for a park with real trees – and wholly unreal blackbird
chirps; a green oasis in the heart of a ship, floating on an ocean. And let me present rock climbers scaling a 40ft stern, and the Ultimate Abyss water slide, with a snaking 10-storey drop, and a three-headed beast of a water slide looping down Harmony’s other end. This was my first cruise, and I realised immediately that this nautical fun palace encompassed tons of fun experiences and brilliant entertainment – from the sublime to the ridiculous. Harmony prides herself on being a high-octane adventure at sea, which is fab if you’re nine years old – or an American with a tendency to whoop a lot. As we set sail from Florida’s tropical Fort Lauderdale, a boater’s haven set around a network of waterways,
the majority of guests did seem to be of the latter persuasion. Despite the stunning sea and sun, as a full-grown non-whooper, I wavered. I was to be on board for seven nights, and a belly flop contest was scheduled... (‘Go Mickey, 250 lbs, from Oregon’).
But there is room for all types, and all bellies, on board a ship this vast.
Families are laughing, because boredom is not an option. There are 23 pools, two surf simulators, crazy golf, climbing walls, that zipline – and DIY ice-cream on tap.
Even with three “at sea” days, there were no cries of “are we there yet?” – because we had arrived.
But there is peace and, er, Harmony, to be found too. A cabin with a balcony offers a rest from the activities. You can have an ocean view or look inwards to Central Park – with an acoustic guitarist playing every starlit evening, there’s no nicer place to be.
Harmony also cleverly divides into seven neighbourhoods, some specifically designed for serenity.
The Solarium at the bow of the 226,963 gross tonnage ship, with its lush planting and wicker pods, is a haven – with hot tubs from which to watch the sunset.
FORMAL
There’s morning yoga sessions or a jog on the ship’s running track. It’s busy, but you learn to navigate the crowds. Except, perhaps, in Windjammer, the largest buffet restaurant of eight complimentary dining facilities.
The food, offered in eyepopping quantities, is excellent but one glance at the gateau table cordoned off amid the stampede, with one lone server in plastic gloves stoically dolloping out portions to the hungry masses, was enough for me.
The more formal dining rooms, and gentle Solarium Bistro – all included in the price of the cruise – offer a gentler dining experience.
Then there are speciality dining options at a supplement, from Jamie’s Italian to the top-notch avant-garde cuisine at the stunning Wonderland.
To be able to graze 24 hours a day is perhaps the headiest joy of a cruise. And if you buy a drinks package, the booze on tap is even headier. They are not cheap, but without one costs quickly add up (especially with the 18 per cent tip added to your tab). So keep an eye out for Royal Caribbean’s special offers – it’s possible to pick up free drinks packages on some cruises.
Grazing on free entertainment and activities, though, is another delight.
Begin an evening riding the carousel, listen to live jazz, drop into the piano
bar before catching a musical in Harmony’s 1,400-seat Royal Theatre. After that you can wander back to the balcony for takeaway pizza and acoustic guitar, then pop out for some late-night comedy, and a 2am boogie in the nightclub before bed.
I quickly realised that the ports of call are, for many Harmony cruisers, not really the point.
“There’s so much to do on board, why get off?” one chap from Nashville drawled as we sat down for the ice show.
This cruise, at least, wasn’t really about exploring new lands. The first stop on our Western Caribbean itinerary departing from Port Canaveral in Florida was, according to the on-board comic, “Fake Haiti”.
Labadee’s turquoise waters and white sands were stunning – but it’s a patch of the island owned by Royal Caribbean, so you aren’t going to get an authentic Haitian experience here.
The second stop, the historic town of Falmouth in Jamaica, was better. Break through the wall of promoters in the harbour trying to sell you tourist excursions to explore it independently.
Wander past the colonial buildings and down to the fishermen gutting fish on the beach, then back for a cold Jamaican Red Stripe beer with the locals playing dominoes, and you get a better sense of place.
On our final stop Cozumel, a
Ride the carousel, listen to live jazz, then drop into the piano bar before catching a musical
Mexican island, our fantastic excursion allowed us to spend four hours with the New York Institute of Photography Adventures, learning how to do justice to remote beaches and local market stalls.
Embarking on a mammoth cruise ship such as Harmony is like entering a snowglobe, minus the snow.
It can feel claustrophobic if you try to fight it, but if you accept this self-contained world for what it is and go with the flow, you’ll amaze yourself by how much you’ll enjoy it. Like its buffet, it’s all here for the taking, so pile your plate high for a taste of everything. We all need a break from reality now and again.
As we approached land and a real bird landed on the deck, I suddenly realised that we were back in the real world.
And now that I’m home, I find myself kind of missing that plastic kangaroo.